Rock A Bye Baby
by smellslikechidna
Summary: Ash gets an inheritance. With contractual obligations. Involving bootees. [on hiatus until further notice]
1. Ignition

Challenge set by Riny. Dear God. Kill me now…

Therefore, it's in Riny's erm, shall we say… 'style' of writing. IE, all speech in bold. Eh, I was bored and had nothing to do for an hour…

Probably the weirdest fic I've ever done, but you can all blame Riny's sick imagination for this.

Pokémon isn't mine: all characters, monsters and significant others (e.g., Brock's insatiable libido; Tracey's kawaiiness, Misty's mallet and Ash's Ash-ness that makes him a dumb-Ash at times) belong to my dog, who is growling at me after we took him to the vets and he had to have his, erm, glands and bowels emptied. Manually. As in hand-up-arse manually. 

Barney is seriously considering pressing charges for indecent assault. My poor doggie!!!! Give him sympathy! (and chocolate)

^_^

A/N – Is a 'pitcher' an actual player in baseball??

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ **

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**:: 1 ::**

          Ash sat nervously on the chair, as the lawyer began shuffling through a whole bunch of papers while peering down her nose at him as he fidgeted with a small crease on his horribly-smart trousers that his mother had _insisted he wear after he tried to go donning a pair of (ripped) jeans. The chair kept squeaking with each slight movement he made, and the lawyer was glaring at him, through generic, plastic-rimmed glasses that pinched up at the sides and made her closely resemble the contest winner for the annual "Miss. Satan" competition. The fact that she was in a __huge leather chair in front of a massive bookcase full of thick, heavy books, the like of which Ash had only used in a book-fight with Gary that landed them both in hospital overnight with concussion, wasn't exactly something that calmed his already shot nerves._

          **"Ashton Satoshi Ketchum, is that right?"** she snipped, and Ash squirmed slightly, feeling like he was back in school again and being forced to sit in the front row.

          **"Um, y-yes."** She glared at him and he cringed, **"M-ma'am."** he added, and sighed internally as she took her piercingly frightening gaze from him and onto one of the papers she was clutching with a gnarled hand, painted with red polish on the sharp menacing nails.

          **"Age?"** she barked, and he yelped slightly, wishing Pikachu was here, so she could shock the scary cow into next week.

          **"Um… t-twenty-four." **Another glare. **"And a month".**

          The evil, egg-like lawyer nodded slightly, pursing her mouth up and scanning the papers quickly. **"Son of Deliah Hanako Ketchum, and your relationship to the deceased was as a great nephew, is that right?"**

          **"Um yes… Ma'am."** he added, feeling shudders crawling up his spine when she looked at him. She was like a teacher out of those old movies that had canes and spanked you for spelling "onomatopoeia" wrong. When you were six. Nervously he reached up and fiddled about with the somewhat decent tie, also forced on him by Deliah, that belonged to either his granddad or his great-granddad and had kawaii little thunderbolts dancing up and down. The lawyer was tapping irately on her authoritarian desk, waiting for his attention, with a red claw-like fingernail. **"Um, sorry."** he muttered, folding his hands anxiously in his lap and awaited sentencing.

          Smiling dryly with satisfaction, the lawyer took great pride in ruffling the sheets of the papers again. **"The deceased, Edith Murasaki Ketchum, was quite wealthy, although I assume you know that already." **Ash nodded mutely, wondering where this was going, with nerves blocking out rational thought. **"And, in her will, she has left you quite a substantial amount of money."** THAT got Ash's attention, and his eyes brightened as he sat up straighter in his squeaky chair. Typical male. Interested in only three things: money, Pokémon and- **"However, there is a requirement for you to have any legal claim on this legacy." **

          **"Mwa?! What kind of requirement?"** he asked dumbly. Now, the lawyer may have been a dominatrix-type bitch, but she did have some decorum and tact. She frowned for a moment, wondering exactly how best to phrase the 'legal requirement'.

          **"Do you have children?"** Ash shook his head. **"Are you married?"** she asked. Ash burst out laughing, ignoring the disapproving looks the cow was shooting him. Him, married? Was she _nuts?! Why would he want to be married now?!_

          **"You're kidding, right? No, I'm not married. What does that have to do with anything?"** he laughed, until he realised what he'd just said. **"_Does it have to do anything? Do I have to be married, is that it?!"_** He was visibly panicking at the thought of losing the early-twenties freedom he'd only just discovered the fun of, after Brock's constant song-praising and giggling about it. The lawyer shook her head stiffly.

          **"No, you don't have to be married, although that would be a bonus." **she snapped, looking at him properly, and Ash shuddered when all of a sudden, her eyes went enormous in the lens of her glasses, making her seem like a bug-eyed monster trying to eat him for lunch. **"Are you dating anyone?"**

          **"Nope."** replied Ash easily, wondering why the hell she was asking these questions when he'd practically just told her he was single.

          **"Engaged?"** She pushed her glasses up her nose and glowered at him.

          **"No!"** he laughed, **"Look, I'm single, okay? What has this got to do with anything?"** Mentally, he began to panic. Was she coming on to him? _Why?! She was wearing a wedding ring, dammit! Although another part of his brain, namely the smart-ass part, asked 'Who in God's name would marry someone like her?!' **"Look, ma'am, can we **__please get this over with? I'm due back at Indigo Plateau in an hour." She laughed dryly, something that unnerved him – he didn't think it was possible for someone like her to __laugh – and turned the according sheet of paper towards him, pointing something out. Ash scanned it quickly, and then turned back to her, puzzled. **"Mwa? I don't get it…"**_

          She frowned, before leaning back into her chair, hands poised by her chest and drumming her fingers together, enjoying the fact that she was making him squirm in his seat. **"Edith Ketchum's will stipulates that you get the amount of money written down there, _provided _that_ you're a father by the time you turn twenty-five."_** she said calmly, scrutinising the reaction on his face with no small amount of amusement.

          Ash was stunned, and his jaw hung open like a stunned Magikarp, with his face suddenly losing all semblance of colour. **"I have to… what did you say? I have to… to have a _baby?! Please tell me this is a joke…"_** he babbled, searching her face for any signs that she was kidding around.

          She shook her head, pushing her glasses up onto her nose imperiously and smirked slightly over his reaction to her next words. **"It's no joke, Mr. Ketchum. By the time you are twenty-five years old, you are going to have to have fathered a child to claim legal rights to your aunt's inheritance." **

          It was lucky that Ash had stayed seated, because all of a sudden, the room went very swirly…

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          The next thing Ash was aware of was that his forehead was cold, something warm and fuzzy was under his chin, and something else was cooing and rubbing against his arm. **"Ash, honey, are you okay?"** a voice asked, and the cold thing on his forehead was removed. He managed to open his eyes slightly, and peered up at the new person who was wringing a cloth out.

          **"M… mom?"** he ventured, and the figure smiled, before putting the damp thing back on his head, which was suddenly _freezing as it dripped water down the back of his neck._

          **"There's my little boy!"** she cooed, shoving black hair out of his eyes. **"Oh, are you feeling better now, honey? The lawyer said you fainted before she finished."** Pikachu snickered from her position on his chest, and Ash felt that he'd just identified the fluffy thing. Chikorita growled from where she was curled on the floor, and Ash reckoned he'd just recognised the cooing thing.

          **"I… fainted?"** he asked, before he suddenly remembered what he had been told. **"MWAAAAA!"** he yelled, jerking to a sitting position in a nanosecond. **"What happened? Where am I?!"**

            "Well, you're right here, honey. Home."

**            "Where's the lawyer gone! She said babies! I-a BABY!"** he blurted, looking frantically around the room and earning strange looks from Chikorita, Pikachu and his mom, while Mimey simply dusted along the TV and the mantelpiece in a state of nirvana. Deliah frowned.

            "What's all this talk of babies? Ash, have you been doing things I don't know about?"

          He shook his head panicking, darting his eyes around the room for any sign of the evil lawyer. **"NO! Babies! I have to have a baby!"**

          **"Pikapi!?"**

**            "Chiko-ri?"**

          Deliah bit her lip worriedly, **"Ash, maybe we should get you to a doctor…" **She rose to her feet to go to the phone, but Ash grabbed her by the arm.

          **"NO! Mom, you don't get it! I have to have a baby!"** he insisted, his eyes suddenly wild and unnerved as he tried to protest. Eventually, it took Pikachu and Chikorita, both using various attacks, to calm him down. Slightly. Ash was eventually tied down with a couple of vine-whips, while Pikachu threatened to use a Thunder Wave and stop him from moving for a week.

          **_[What the hell are you talking about, Pikapi?!] Pikachu growled, sparking her cheeks threateningly and arching her back in a feline manner, _****_[What's all this about babies?] Her tone softened slightly, _****_[Are you on heat?]_**

          If this was a normal conversation, Ash would have burst into hysterics at Pikachu's strange observation, but- **"NO, I AM NOT ON HEAT!" **he shrieked, trying to bolt out of his seat and was forced back down by Pikachu with a bolt of her own.

          Deliah spoke up from her quiet observation of the conversation between her son and his Pokémon. **"Ash, honey, are you pregnant?"**

**            "MWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?? NO I AM NOT PREGNANT EITHER! You should be the first to know _that, Mom! You changed my nappies, for crying out loud!" _** (A/N – to all Americans/Canadians/whatever – nappies = diapers. ^^')

          **"Well, with all the medical advances lately, you never know anything anymore, darling…"** she cooed, while braiding a disgruntled Chikorita's vines into several plaits and watching the angry, shocked look on her son's face turn quickly into one of astonishment.

          **"Oh my God, I can't believe I'm having this conversation…" **Ash whispered to himself softly, raking fingers nervously though his messy fringe while he sought to get his thoughts together, and not succeeding. **"Listen, er, Mom, I'm, um, I'm gonna go out for a little while, okay?"** he paused, thinking of somewhere he could go that was remotely safe. **"I dunno how long I'll be, okay? So don't worry."**

          **"Alright, Ash! Be careful! And-"** Ash was already sprinting out of the door. Deliah stuck her head out of the window undeterred. **"Don't forget to change your you-know-what's every single day, honeeeeeeey!!!"**

          Ash left dust clouds in his wake.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          **"Ash, you look like crap."** Brock said, matter-of-factly while handing a cup of _very-strong black coffee to his friend and flopping back onto the grey couch behind him. Ash scowled._

          **"Well gee, thanks for your expert beauty opinion, but me looking like crap is the _least of my worries"_** he retorted, downing the murky liquid in his cup in one gulp and blinking rapidly, before sighing.

          Brock quirked an eyebrow curiously. **"Oh? What other worries do ya have then?"** he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and looking calmly at Ash with a look he'd been perfecting for nearly fourteen years. Ash cringed slightly.

          **"Um… you know I went to my aunt's funeral last week, yeah?"** Brock nodded. **"Well, um… they read the will yesterday… and I was on it."** Brock grinned slightly.

          **"So? What did she leave you? Money? A house? Or-"** and here Brock's eyes suddenly became bright, but glazed, his tongue lolled out of his mouth and he began to drool **"… a whole harem of pretty girls just waiting for you to do anything you want with them…"** Ash pulled a disgusted face.

          **"No."** he replied stoutly. **"No 'harem' as you call it, so quit drooling, Pikachu's fur is getting wet and she had her bath last week."**

          Brock pouted and wiped his mouth and chin with the cuff of his sleeve. **"Well, what did she leave you? Good or bad?"**

          **"Good… I guess…"** murmured Ash, averting his eyes from Brock to an interesting swirl in the carpet. 

          Brock perked up, **"What type of good? Money good? Pokémon good? Or have you got an arranged marriage to a gorgeous princess that looks like Nurse Joy, with Officer Jenny's personality and the fashion sense of-"**

          **"_Please _don't finish that sentence, Brock. It… it's money good, I suppose."** He frowned, scratching an itch on his cheek that had come from nowhere and subconsciously reminded himself to check Pikachu for fleas later. **"There were just a lot of conditions, that's all…"**

**            "Ooh, do tell!"** Brock grinned, quirking his eyebrow again and watching Ash's face contort into a mix of confusion and slight despair. 

**            "Well, my great-aunt, who I only met _once loved kids, right?"_** Brock nodded as Ash switched his gaze from the carpet to his friend. **"And she wanted the family line to continue, right?"** Brock nodded. **"Well, um, cuz I'm the youngest out of all my cousins, and I have, quote: 'the best chance of paternity' unquote, I'm going to get ¥500,000,000 **(A/N – about £5,000,000, but seeing the way the stock market is going…) **if I have a baby by the time I turn twenty-five."**

          Brock paled and almost fell out of his seat, while Pikachu was in hysterics. **"Whaaaaaaaa?! That's crazy! Are you kidding? _Please tell me you're kidding!" _**Ash smirked slightly at the déjà vu, and shook his head. **"You're not kidding…? Oh my God…"** He realised something suddenly. **"Hey, waitasecond… Ash, you're twenty-four now, aren't you? So that means…"**

          **"I have two months, give or take, to find a girl and get her pregnant. Either that, or I lose a whole lot of money"** Ash finished, with a resigning sigh.

          **"Jeez…"**

**            "Mm-hm…"** Ash replied mournfully, **"And there's no other way I can do it."**

**            "Well, there's always artificial insemination, right?"** Brock replied thoughtfully after a long pause, rubbing his chin slightly. 

          Ash looked at him curiously. **"Huh?"**

**            "Well, you could be a sperm donor"** he said distractedly, watching Pikachu lick her paws, **"That way, you wouldn't have to whore yourself around the Indigo Plateau every weekend, right?"**

          Ash nodded, before he winced at the realisation of what that would involve. **"But… don't you have to-"**

          Brock grinned viciously, **"Sit behind a curtain with a paper-cup and the best magazines in Kanto? Yup, you betcha!"**

          **"Ewww… I bet you're their number one customer too, right?"**

          Brock shot him a contemptuous look. **"But seriously, you're going to have to think about this. I mean, it's a _lot of money, and you'd be a fool to pass this up, but…"_** Brock's face turned serious and stern, **"A baby is a _lot_ of responsibility. And if you were just going to have a baby because you want the money, then you'd be a pretty bad human being. This isn't like surrogacy, Ash."**

          **"I know,"** Ash whined, burying his head in his hands, **"I know… It's Catch 22, but I really don't know what the hell I'm going to do about it!"**

          **"Start dating. And fast."** Brock reasoned, with a lupine grin, **"Give Misty a call! C'mon, I know you like her!"**

          Ash frowned. **"Not funny. And whaddya mean 'you know I like her'? Misty and I are best friends, nothing more." **He sighed, **"Jeez, first Tracey, now you. Misty is _just_ my friend."**

          Brock nodded. **"Yeah. And the only female friend you have."**

          **"Hey, I have girl friends – not THAT type of girlfriends, Brock – I'm friends with Melody and Duplica and Casey."** protested Ash, mentally running through his address book for any other females he knew and wasn't related to.

          **"And all three are taken, Ash."** replied Brock calmly, which detracted to the devastated tears building in his eyes. **"Melody went with that dancing Gym Leader, remember?"** Ash pulled a disgusted face at the mention and memory of Rudy and his James-like dancing on Trouvita. **"And Casey got hooked up with one of the Electabuzz's pitchers."**

**            "They _still_ haven't won a game…"**

          **"And Duplica…"** Brock broke a sob, **"Duplica won't dump her Ditto for meeeeeeeeeeee!"** Ash stared, dumbfounded, at where Brock was now literally flooding the room with tears. Pikachu snorted resignedly and patted Brock reassuringly on the back while rolling her amber eyes at her Trainer.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**            Ash paused, hovering his finger over the keypad to his videophone and clutching his phonebook in his other hand, open at the according page. He was going to avoid calling the Viridian Sperm Bank even if he had to castrate himself first. He had a Kingler and if he had to use it… **"I can't believe I'm doing this…"** he muttered to himself, and scowled when he heard Pikachu cackle wickedly in the background. **"Oh shut up…"** he added dismissively to Pikachu who had ran into the kitchen to her own personal Pika-fridge and was no doubt looking for a bottle of ketchup. He took a deep, steeling breath and dialled the area code for Cerulean City.**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          Brock smirked as he noticed the number on the Caller ID. Vulpix at his heels, he hit the Answer button and grinned harder when he saw Ash, completely stressed, on the other end of the line. **"So, what's up?"**

          **"I called her, I called her, Oh my God I called her and now I don't know what to say to her and she said she's on her way down because I said I needed to ask her something about the Cerulean Gym and I couldn't talk about it over the phone and she's gonna be pissed that I lied to her and I'm going to be in intensive care and oh Lugia, I dunno what to do and Pikachu's laughing at me and-"** Brock burst out laughing.

          **"Breathe, Ash, breathe!"** he grinned, waving a hand down the camera to a now-hyperventilating Ash. **"Getting her drunk would be an idea."** He noticed Ash's disgusted face and quickly retracted the statement. **"Kidding, just kidding! All you have to tell her is that you just wanted some time alone with her-"**

            "And have her imprint my face on her mallet for being a hentai. Great."

**            "Don't be sarcastic,"** ordered Brock, frowning, **"Just tell her that you hadn't seen her for a while, and you missed her."**

          Ash nodded slowly. **"Okay. Then what? Do I just turn around and go, 'Gee Misty, would you like to have my baby for me? Preferably in the next TWO _MONTHS_?!'?"** Ash shrieked, and Brock could hear hysterics coming from Pikachu in the background, before Ash screamed at Pikachu to shut the hell up or no ketchup for a month.

          **"Okay, um, don't say that."** Brock replied thoughtfully, tapping his finger thoughtfully on the side of the video-screen. **"Just, be nice, okay? Sound her out and see if she will and make _sure_ you use the word 'hypothetically', because she'll _never_ think you actually mean it-"**

            "Didn't you use that word when you asked the Joy in Mahogany Town to go to the dance with you?"

          **"Shut up."** Brock growled, **"Just do as you're told like a good boy and with any luck, Misty _won't_ try to kill you. All you have to do is be _really_ nice to her."**

          **"Okay…"**

**            "Um, take her out for dinner or something."**

**            "Okay…"**

**            "Are you sure you won't try to get her drunk?"**

**            "NO, Brock! I'm not going to get her drunk, alright! Oh, hang on, I got another call."** Ash's image vanished from the screen and was replaced by a bunch of dancing Pikachu that were chasing Togepi with knives while "Hyaku Go Ju Ichi" was playing in an insane loop, and just as Brock was starting to sing along, ("Hyaku Go Ju Ichi no yume…") the image changed again, but now Ash was pale, making his hair and eyes stand out even more against his practically snow-white complexion. 

          **"Ash…"** he asked hesitantly, seeing something flare in Ash's eyes that he couldn't decipher. **"What's happened?" **Ash took a deep breath and gulped at the lump in his throat.

**            "That erm- Misty just called. She, erm, she asked me to pick her up from the train station in half an hour…" **Brock's eyes widened for the first time in memorable history. **"So I have to get going now. Brock – if I die, I'm going to haunt you until the day you die."**

**            "I look forward to it."** Brock remarked, grinning. **"Hey, maybe you'll be lucky. Maybe a tree will fall on you on the way there!"** he laughed at Ash's hopeful face.

**            "Maybe…"** Ash trailed off. **"I'm gonna die…"** he groaned, and slammed his head on the keypad, accidentally hanging up the phone. Brock grinned. This would be _very_ interesting…

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          **"… and Pikachu's been missing you a lot, so I just thought you should come here for the weekend, y'know? And, erm, I've sorta missed you as well."**

            "Awww, Aaash, that's sweet." Misty cooed, grinning.

Ash blushed slightly and tightened his grip on her case. Jeez, how much did a girl _need_ for a _weekend_?! **"So I was thinking that we could get a take-out tonight, cuz there's some good movies on TV, and you can pick one if you want."** he said easily, dropping the case – narrowly missing his foot – as he opened the boot of the car. **"Pikachu said she'd make up the spare room for you, but I don't wanna know what state it's in, so you can have mine if it's _really_ bad."** He slammed the case in, the door down and walked around to the driver's side, before getting in and leaning over to unlock Misty's door. **"Was the train down okay? And how's Togepi? How's the Gym?"** Misty burst out laughing, **"What?"**

          She shook her head, **"Ash, will you stop asking questions? Everything is fine, okay? You're acting panicky."**

          **"Me? Panicky? I'm not panicky, why would I be panicky? I'm cool, really."**

**            "Whatever you say, Ash,"** she smirked, before pointing at something **"Aren't you supposed to put the car in reverse before going out of the car park?"**

Ash flushed, embarrassed, before shoving the gear stick around in it's hold. **"Yeah… that-that's a good idea, huh?" **Misty nodded with a smile. For the rest of the journey back to Pallet Town, Ash was virtually silent.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

[A/N] Whew! Okay, I'm going to have to chapter this, seriously! Normally this would be finished by now… ^^' Ah well. Direct ALL complaints about this to Riny – she made me do it. And tell her to do the Rivalshippy I want from her! SHE WROTE AN EVIL FIC, DAMMIT!!! 

I'm only going to be able to upload this in school for a while, so this and my other chaptered fics are going to be pretty sparse and maybe on hold, gomen ne! However, if yas miss me, my MSN addy is Chuchino5@hotmail.com . Talk to me, I don't bite! (My dog might, though)

Anyway, with a bit of luck, I'll finish this… soon. It has to be fluffy, according to Riny, so I'll try my best. ^_^

Love yas!

~ Kaz-Ohki

xxx

PS, it's September the 4th now, which means you have exactly thirteen days until my birthday! I want fluffy fics from all of you!!!!!! _Please_!!! Lots of fluffy Saka! (Maybe Pencil? I'll hug you for a Pencil!)

And write one for Mia (Arrow) – her birthday is the 16th! Write her a Geru-fic, and she'll be happy!

See yas all later, Feraligatyrs! 


	2. Houston...

LOL, next part! Much hugs and thank-yous to everyone who reviewed the first part! You're all strange! ^^'

Right. Pokémon, all characters and respective monsters, mallets and other things (including Brock's new porno-shop chain in Amsterdam, which shows Joy and Jenny in compromising positions every Saturday night) are now all property of Aladdin and his pet monkey. I watched that video the other night; it's still one of my all-time Disney faves, apart from 101 Dalmatians ("Cruella de Vil!"), Aristocats ("Ev'rybody wants to be a cat…") and Hercules ("I won't say I'm in loooove!" – this one is Riny's fault. I keep imagining Tracey in a toga… ^^' Of course, not that I'm complaining… ^o~ I imagine him in various costumes (or lack of them)!!).

Am I the only person who goes off into wailing tears when she/he/it sees the "Baby Mine" scene from Dumbo? Waaaa, it's – SO – _KAWAII_!!!! *sob*

Still in Riny's style, so all speech in bold.

LOL, I'm listening to Nyaasu No Paatii, and it's SO funny!!! James actually sounds male! Which is… strange. I keep thinking he's going to come out with his gay-esque laugh. Speaking of gay-esque, has anyone (in the UK and Ireland etc. or anywhere with ITV1) been watching Bob and Rose? It's well kawaii! And The Blue Planet? Coolness!!!

For Mia-chan, cuz my computer is possessed by Lucifer.

Theme song – "I'm A Pioneer" – Tenchi Muyo!. (I LUV IT!)

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ **

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**:: 2 ::******

**"Oh… my… God…"** murmured Misty, and she pinched her arm to make sure she was awake, and cringed at the sharp pain that shot through her arm. Ash bit his lip in front of her and scratched his head nervously while doing everything he could to avoid her gaze until Bulbasaur tripped over her hemline and knocked him over.

He looked up at Misty and grinned lopsidedly. **"So, whaddya think?"** he asked lamely, picking himself up off of the floor and watching Bulbasaur attempt to walk and trip again, and again, and again. Misty giggled slightly.

**"I don't believe it…" **she breathed,** "It looks like a flashback to when you were ten," **she grinned, casting her eyes over the destruction. Ash pouted.

**"Hey, my room was nowhere near as bad as this!"** he protested, motioning to where the futon was hanging from the light shade and defying all natural laws of gravity, physics, and plain common sense. **"At least my room didn't look like Changing Rooms gone wrong. Pikachu, get here NOW!" **he yelled, and Pikachu crawled sheepishly out from behind the wardrobe, dressed up to the nines in a pillowcase and wearing one of Ash's watches as a necklace and a pair of underpants as a veil. **"What were you doing?"** he asked calmly, and Pikachu blushed under his half-glare, half-laughing gaze.

**_[Um…]_** she began, peering out from where the waistband had dropped over her eyes, **_[We were watching a movie and it had weddings in…]_** Ash smirked dryly and looked at where Chikorita was hiding behind Pikachu with the duvet cover clinging to her head leaf and ketchup smudged on her face as a strange attempt at lipstick.

**"So you decided to play along, right girls?"** All three Pokémon nodded ashamedly, and the greying pair of boxers fell off of Pikachu's head to the floor with a thud.

Misty sweatdropped, and Ash laughed nervously and snatched them off the floor quickly.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

Ash had his ear glued to the receiver of the vidphone, where a greasy teenager of the male variety was informing Ash about something or other which didn't seem to be improving his mood, Pikachu, Bulbasaur and Chikorita were in still in Time Out in an old baby playpen after Chikorita had tried to pin all the blame on the other Pokémon and started a huge war which had suddenly left Ash facing a very large repair bill and having to call one of Brock's many siblings in the morning who had become a ceiling plasterer, as well as having to buy a new futon for that room and wallpaper to cover up the electricity burns, and Misty was flicking around the channels looking for any movies.

**"Pizza should be about half an hour." Ash said a moment later, setting the phone back on the hook and flopping onto the couch easily. ****"What movies are on?" he asked, before realising how inane the question seemed compared to the one he had to ask her… maybe later.**

Misty shrugged, **"Look Who's Talking, Three Men and a Baby, Junior and, um," she trailed her finger down the magazine on her lap for the last half-decent listing while Ash felt a large sweatdrop trail the side of his face, ****"Pokémon In Love 9." She smirked. ****"So much for Saturday night TV, huh?" Ash nodded stiffly, and opened his mouth to say something when a buzzing sound rang from the kitchen.**

**"Time out's over." he declared, somewhat relieved, and standing up, walking over to the door of the kitchen and opening it. ****"Are you girls going to be good now?" he snapped accusingly, as a subdued bunch of female Pokémon marched solemnly out of the door and nodded silently, Bulbasaur blushing sheepishly when a piece of plaster dropped from underneath her bulb. ****"That's better," he admonished, before flopping back on the couch…**

…only to have the stressed screech of his mobile phone ring out from the charger in the hall, spelling out SMS in Morse code. Unsurprisingly, it was Brock. Even less surprisingly, the text message was asking whether Ash was still alive. And predictably, Brock had put at the end that there was an off licence in Viridian City that was selling vodka and other types of alcohol at half-price. **"Jerk," Ash muttered under his breath, glaring at the offending screen as a dancing Quagsire waved an indication that the phone was turned off.**

**"Ash…?" Misty asked, hesitantly, watching him from the doorway. ****"Um, can you explain this please?"**

He blinked. **"Explain what?" he asked, walking over and past her back into the living room, shoving a random magazine from the couch and plopping down with a sigh. Misty followed and perched nervously a few inches away from him.**

**"Explain why I've just got a text message from Tracey telling me not to do it." she replied, glancing at him with critical blue eyes from their corners before looking at him properly. ****"What's 'it', Ash?"**

**"Um, nothing?" he bluffed nervously, running through every nonsensical reason Tracey could have found out except for the obvious one and feeling a cold sweat break out across his back. ****"Lemme see that." he demanded, outstretching his hand for her blue-covered phone and pouting when she snatched it out of reach.**

"What's 'it', Ash. Either tell me or I'll tell the papers about that time in Goldenrod."

"Which one?"

She scowled. "All of them"

Ash blanched. "Even the time where me and Brock, um… on New Years…" he fumbled for words nervously.

She grinned. "The time with you and Brock on New Years Eve in the Pokémon Center, yes, Ash, that one too." His eyes widened and he jumped to his feet.

"No fair!" he yelled, and Pikachu leapt to his defence, claiming that it wasn't Pikapi's fault – Brock was the one with the Tequila. "Pikachu's right! And besides – it was the first New Years I was allowed to drink!" He paused, before adding "Legally." He sat back down sulkily.

Misty pouted, flopping onto the couch and her head landing in his lap. Ash bit his lip. "Aw, c'mon. You never kept any secrets from me before." She looked up at him, "You dragged me all the way up here to tell me something anyway, and you make the _worst_ excuses on the planet." She smiled patronisingly at him. "I thought Brock taught you better than that."

He groaned inwardly at the guilt trip, which she _always_ did, and the fact that she'd caught him out. "Trust me, Mist', it's nothing to do with keeping secrets, just… I can't tell you… exactly…" he scratched his head awkwardly. "Unless you promise not to hurt me."

Misty grinned, "Awww, just when I was considering bringing my mallet out of retirement. Ash, I haven't hit you in months, so quit stalling."

"How's Togepi?"

"Third exorcism this month, and stop stalling!"

"Third exorcism? Wow… What happened this time? And how're your sisters by the way? Doing another water show? How did the last one go – sorry I missed it, been busy in Indigo Plateau, but, hey, that's how it goes-"

Misty sat up, pulling her red hair into a ponytail and glaring at him while he kept babbling. "Ash, I mean it. If you don't quit stalling, I'll make sure you _never_ have kids." she growled, poising her heel vertically parallel to a painful place and winced when he shrieked and grabbed her foot quickly.

"No!" he yelled, jerking to his feet. "You can't do that!" he protested, panicking, eyes wild. 

"Why not?" she grinned, standing up and staring him down, and rested her hands on her hips. Ash growled angrily to himself.

"I hate you, you know that." he snarled, glowering at her, before wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.

~~::~~::~~::~~::~~

"Okay… erm… okay." Ash pulled his fringe nervously and kept his eyes on a dusty paw print embedded in the carpet. "Um… okay." he repeated, almost as if he were trying to reassure himself that things would be okay – which they _weren't_. "Um, d'you want a drink?" he asked nervously, "Um, Brock gave me one of those cocktail book thingies for my birthday and I haven't used it yet. Manhattan's are supposed to be nice, y'know-" 

"Aaash, quit being a baby and tell me, before I call Tracey and ask _him_ instead." she paused, before raising pleading eyes at him. "Pleeeeeease?" He bit his lip, tugging it slightly at the corner and avoiding her gaze.

"If… if I do…" he began hesitantly, running through various ways of phrasing the request in a way that would make sure he survived and still stood a chance of being paternally able, and running though every possible reaction she could have, straight from repulse and anger and mallets – most likely, to squealing happily and "Oh, I always wanted a baby!" – even less likely than Clefairies ever getting into space (again?). "If I tell you… you gotta promise not to hurt me, okay?"

"Okay," she said easily, blinking confusedly while Pikachu crawled onto her lap with an unreadable smirk on her face.

"Promise?"

"Promise." He nodded, before taking a deep breath and mentally praying that a lovely gang of woodworm and termites had gotten to all of her mallets. What to say… what to say…?

"Um… okay. Um… are you ovulating?" he blurted, before cringing instantly.

"Mwaaaaaaaaaa!?" 

"Owww! Quit it, quit it, _please_ quit it! Pikachu, make her stoooooop!!!" Pikachu was too busy laughing her jagged little tail off to bother.

"Ash Ketchum, you're the sickest _hentai_ on the planet!!!" Misty screamed, amongst other obscenities, while Ash was cowering away in case the mallet was reintroduced after a welcome vacation for all concerned.

"Waaaa, Misty, I didn't mean it that way!" he protested, now begging Chikorita for help, but the plant-type was still in a mood after he put _her_ in Time-Out when it was all Bulbasaur's fault, and Bulbasaur was in exactly the same mood. "Knock it off, _please_! Or I'll be too comatose to ever tell you! And Tracey and Brock are both too dumb to tell you properly – Brock would make it all pervy and Tracey would make it sound worse than it already is. Pleeeeease??" She retreated and he scrambled back up to the relative safety of the couch, pulling a cushion onto his lap as a small defensive measure while he made sure nothing was broken/damaged/concussed etc.. "See?" he said to Pikachu. "I told you she'd do that! And quit laughing or I'll give your ketchup to McDonalds." Pikachu's jaw hit the floor, before she sped into the kitchen, and Ash heard a bunch of bottles clinking, meaning that either Pikachu was going to bury them like the last time he threatened her with that, or just going to gorge on all of the thick red goo until she was sick. Probably the latter. 

"So?" asked Misty, watching his every move with an almost predatory sense, and Ash kept his eyes on her hands while trying to remember the word Brock told him to use that would stop Misty _ever_ guessing it was him and he was telling the truth.

"Okay… um… okay. Um, okay, if, hypothetically, someone you knew was going to get, um, hypothetically, a lot of money, yeah?" she nodded, and so did he, "Well, um, _hypothetically_, um, if they had to um, meet some sort of _hypothetical_ requirement, um, would you help them out? Purely hypothetically, of course."

"I guess…" she said thoughtfully, twirling a strand of hair around her finger, "But then I guess it would depend on the requirement."

Ash sweatdropped nervously, avoiding the gaze of everything that sought it and instead gave his entire visual attention to the knee of his jeans where they were starting to wear out. "Well, um, _hypothetically_, um, what if it was a really, really, big, possibly life-changing requirement?" He checked her features cagily out of the corners of his dark eyes and quickly continued "And what if, um, h-hypothetically, that person would give you half of what he got?" he said quickly, feeling his cheeks start to burn, and widened his eyes when he heard her giggle. "What's so funny?" he asked disbelievingly, not understanding how she could find a situation like this _funny_!

"Well, I've never seen you so serious before!" she chuckled, tucking a few errant strands of orangey hair behind her ears. "Mr. Pokémon Master doesn't normally know the meaning of the word!" she teased, grinning, and for some reason, he grinned back, trying to ease some of the awkwardness that attacked him in waves.

"Hey, I can be serious!" he protested, pulling a face back at her when she mouthed "Oh, right, yeah". "I can!" he said.

She chuckled. "Okay, I believe you – although I'm the only one who would," he scowled at her and she stuck her tongue out. "So anyway, what were you saying?" 

He shook his head. "Doesn't matter." He caught her gaze and faltered. "W-well, okay, it _does_ matter, erm… y'know what I was saying before… please don't kill me… um, would you, I dunno, ever do that for anyone? Like, someone you really knew?" He kept his eyes vehemently away from hers.

Misty stared at him. "Ash, that whole thing wasn't hypothetical at all, was it?" she asked softly, staring at where he was fixated on the carpet and cracking his knuckles nervously.

"M-maybe…" he mumbled, wishing he were wearing his hat so that maybe he couldn't feel her eyes burning into him. "…and maybe not…" he finished quietly. Bulbasaur and Chikorita found this as a good opportunity to leave, as the two humans had fallen silent and Pikachu could be heard singing, "I'm A Pioneer" drunkenly in the kitchen.

          "_[I can tell that you are a pioneer! – You want to be facing danger! – Not having to hide your secrets anymore! – You are a pioneer! – The same as me!]_"__

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

~tsuzuku~

[A/N] MWAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAA!!! *egg-like laughter* Okay. That was absolute crap, wasn't it? Oh well. You just spent about 5 minutes reading it, so… BWA-HA-HAAA! (apologies – have been drinking Cherry Coke all afternoon and am sick with weird, flu-like illness.)

Okay, I know that wasn't very good, and I have a PLAUSIBLE excuse that doesn't involve my dog, the vet and a bottle of Viagra. We're moving house. And I wanted to get this done ASAP, because the computer is getting packed up soon, so… 

Part three next! Soon! Mwa-ha-ha!

Love yas!

~ Kaz-Ohki.

xxx

P.S. – Apologies for changing my name, but evil friend found my account. Cue tantrums from me because I didn't want no-one to find me out, therefore I changed my name and he's already found that one out now. L 

Therefore, I hate men.

^^'

Actually, I wanted to change my name anyway. ~*Chuchino The Cabbit*~ took too long to write. ^^'''


	3. ...we have a problem...

Okay, Riny's threatening me now (bloody cheek!), and I'm off school still, so…

Part three!

Disclaimer: Pokémon, all characters and respective monsters, rice-balls, donuts, popcorn balls and rice-balls all belong to next door's huge boxer dog called Max, who tries to glomp me whenever I knock there. It's very scary – that dog is as big as me and _I'M_ 5'6! Mwa! (LOL, Tracey's 5'6! Honestly!)

Erm… Theme Song: "Washu's Lullaby" – Tenchi Muyo

_(I might use this again, I dunno… IT'S SO CUTE!)_

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ **

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**:: 3 ::******

          Bulbasaur was frowning as she changed the cold compress on Pikachu's forehead, and Chikorita had her ear pressed against the kitchen door. The humans had been very quiet for about three-quarters of an hour now. Chikorita was now getting panicked over Chikori while Pikachu was lying comatose on the floor wondering if anyone got the number of that Snorlax.

          **"_[Anything happened?]"_ **Bulbasaur asked quietly, and Chikorita shook her head. 

          **"_[I think they're eating,]"_** replied Chikorita, tugging a vine into her mouth and chewing it nervously. **"_[And the TV is on, so I can't hear anything now.]"_** She pouted and muttered something about pepperoni being her favourite. Pikachu regained consciousness and began bawking into her litter tray. 

          **"_[Ugh. I'm never drinking Ketchup as long as I live.]"_** she declared, rubbing her head with a paw gingerly and scrunching her nose up. **"_[Oh God… pizza…]_" **she muttered, and Bulbasaur averted her head from the litter tray just in time.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          For once, Ash couldn't find anything else to talk about. The TV was playing re-runs of everything from movies to game shows to anime, and Inu-Yasha, Kikyou, Sesshō-Maru, Myouga and Kagome just couldn't hold his attention for once. So, instead, he tried to make one slice of pizza last more than ten seconds. And failed dismally. Misty had been shooting questioning looks at him for the past half hour, and he had kept his eyes on the small, blotchy pieces of mushrooms that were stuck haphazardly on top of the pizza. He paused and threw a pizza crust he didn't want back into the box.

          **"Um, d'you want a drink-"** he began to ask, but quickly bit his lip when she snapped a reply that she'd prefer to know what the hell was going on. **"Um, can't I tell you tomorrow?"** he asked, running through every stalling tactic he'd used since he was six and trying to avoid fighting Gary until the day after his grandma came to stay. He caught the look in her eyes. **"Okay, okay, I'll tell you."** he sighed, racing his fingers through his hair nervously and deciding on breaking the news as matter-of-factly as possible. **"Are you sure you don't want anything to drink? Cuz my mom was clearing the cupboard out and found a bunch of Duty-Free she bought and never used – alright, dammit, no need to look at me like that. Um, hang on, are you sure you don't want one, cuz I'm getting one anyway."** He stood up and walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

          Pikachu's hangover was lessening slightly, but Pikapi slamming the door did _not_ help. Then again, that didn't stop her and Chikorita from glomping him as he got a glass from the cupboard.

          **"_[How's it going, Pikapi?]_"** she asked tauntingly, and chuckled at the look he gave before he got a bottle of something dusty and alcoholic out of the bottom cupboard. **"_[Dutch courage? Okay, the last time you did that was when- isn't THAT a little excessive?!]_"** she protested, and gawked at the gap between liquid and bottleneck.

          Ash shook his head. **"Nope. Wouldn't you drink if you had to do something like this?"** he replied, watching Pikachu nod solemnly before downing the rest of the glass quickly and wincing when the alcohol sent a burning sensation down to his stomach. **"At least I don't _sing_ when _I'm_ drunk, Ms. Pioneer."** He smirked at Pikachu's blush. 

          **"_[No, you strip instead.]_"**she replied dryly, and Ash sweatdropped, before replying:

          **"Well, maybe stripping will actually get me somewhere for once."** He shook his head before grabbing the bottle of amber liquid and gulping a mouthful from the bottle, wiping the remnants of dust from his mouth and marching resolutely out of the kitchen, bottle and glass in tow, muttering 'God help me', and Pikachu managed to stop the door closing completely so she, Chikorita and Bulbasaur snuck down the hallway and peered through the living room door where Misty was remarking that she never saw Ash as a whiskey person.

**"World's full of surprises, isn't it?"** he muttered dryly. **"Alright, I suppose you want to know why I dragged you up here, né? Okay. Erm…"** He hiccupped slightly and sweatdropped. **"Um… y-y'know that aunt of mine who died the other week? And I had to get Gary to cover for me at Indigo for the funeral? Remember, cuz we had to get Togepi to be a Demon-vessel when I got back? Um, well… um… that aunt - who reeked of cats and cabbage and pee and I only saw her once at my 6th Birthday when we all went to Greenfields – um, she sorta had one of those Will thingies, aaaaaand… erm… are you sure you don't want a drink?"** He hiccupped again and started cracking his knuckles which made Misty wince and reprimand him teasingly like Brock did years ago claiming he'd get arthritis. **"Okay, erm…"** He paused and gulped at a lot more alcohol, praying that he'd become comatose at a convenient moment and not have to tell her until tomorrow. **" 'kay, um, Okay, on her will thingy, um, she put me on it, and, um, she left me something…"**

**"Cool!" **she remarked, grinning, **"Like what?"**

Ash paused for a moment, took a big breath (and more alcohol), and rubbed his nose nervously before saying: **"Likeabout¥500,000,000ifIhaveababywithinthenextelevenmonths."**

**"Mwaaaaa? Speak more slowly, Ash, I didn't hear that."**

**"…oh man… I got left ¥500,000,000 if I'm… if I'm a father by the time I turn twenty-five. By next November."** he repeated more slowly, scrunching his eyes up in pain when he drew blood from his lip and tasting copper on his tongue instead of whiskey. Misty was silent.

**"But… you're not dating anyone…"** she murmured quietly. 

**"I know."**

She shook her head. **"I don't get it… why are you telling me if… No."**

He paled, scratching his head nervously. He hadn't expected her to guess, but now that she had, he realised he'd been absolutely bloody obvious. **"I- I wouldn't ask you if-"**

She was shaking her head. **"D-don't ask then. Don't ask me anything, Ash Ketchum. You've been drinking, that's all it is a-and-"** She practically jerked to her feet. **"I-I'm-I'm going to go back home… I, um… you're drunk… you need to sober up."** Before he knew anything, she was heading towards the door and struggling to put her shoes on.

**"Wait – Misty! I'm not drunk! Honest-"** A hiccup caught him in his throat, and she sweatdropped. **"Look, um, just stay, alright? We can discuss this better in the morning!"**

**"There's nothing to discuss!"** she yelled, stamping her foot childishly and growling when the carpet muffled any noise it would have created. **"I am NOT having your baby, Ash Ketchum. That's the end of it."**

**"But-"**

**"NO."**

**"Mistyyyy!"**

**"I said NO."**

He dived in front of the door. **"Please? Look, you don't have to decide straight away, I-OWWW!!!"**

**"Ask me one more time and you'll be in no fit state to ask _anyone_ to have your baby."** growled Misty, frowning as she slotted the mallet back into it's invisible hold and stepped over his slumped, bruised form and closed the front door behind her. Ash groaned softly and rubbed where a large bump was forming under his fringe.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

Brock grinned viciously at Ash's somewhat battered form as they sat in the lobby of Brock's Breeding Salon in Pewter before passing Ash an ice pack. **"So, how'd it go?"** He cast his eyes over to where Ash's eye was now turning a lovely shade of purple. **"Any good?"**

Ash frowned and winced when the freezing lump of plastic touched the bump on his forehead. **"Not really."**

Brock snorted in disbelief. **"Like I'll believe that. C'mon, I want details, info!" **His eyes settled on Ash's black one and he grinned vicariously. **"Bet she was an animal, wasn't she?"** His eyes glazed over in that familiar Brock-type way and a thin trail of drool trickled down his chin. **"So what does she look like n-"**

Ash kicked him warningly in the shin. **"For your information, Brock, we didn't do it." **Brock raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? Then how did you get that lovely black eye? I'm sure Lance would love to know as well."

**"She beat me up."**

**"Whaaaaaaaa?!"** Brock's eyes widened by the record width of one millimetre, and Ash smirked. 

**"She got out her best friend the mallet and beat the crap out of me. Which explains the eye and the bump on my head."** Pikachu chuckled from where she was playing with a group of baby Pokémon. **"And _she_ was no help because she got bladdered on Ketchup and thought she was Hakubi Ryoko."** Pikachu hissed from across the room and sent a random static jolt over towards Ash, who blocked it with a cushion.

**"So what happened after that?"** asked Brock, checking his watch to check how long that Ninetails had left under the dryer.

"She walked out, and she's not returning any calls, texts or e-mails. She's even blocked me on instant messages!"

**"Sounds like she's pissed at you."**

**"You think?"** Ash snorted caustically, burying his head in his hands and wishing that someone would _please_ strike him down. **"I can't be dealing with this…"** His head snapped up. **"And why the hell did you tell Tracey?!"**

Brock shrugged. **"Can't leave him out, can we?"**

**"Who else did you tell?!"**

**"No-one!"** replied Brock, warding Ash off with his hands, before mumbling something under his breath.

**"What?"**

**"Well, maybe I told your mom as well…"**

**"WHAT?!"**

Brock held up his hands in defence again. **"Calm down, man. I only told Tracey and your mom. And…maybe Tracey told Professor Oak… I dunno." **Ash's face took on a look of serene calm. **"Something wrong? You've spaced out."**

Ash looked at him without really seeing him. **"Oh… I was just thinking of what I'm going to do…" **he said softly.

**"Ehehe… what's that?"**

Ash blinked. **"Well, first… I'm going to put you into hospital… Then, I'm going to kill myself, come back as a ghost, haunt you and make sure that no girl sleeps with you until you die…"** He smiled venomously. **"That alright with you Brock?"**

**"Um… HELP!"**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~******

The phone kept ringing in Ash's office, and for like, the first time all month, his new secretary had taken herself, her purple-haired rag-doll and her fluffy hair on a coffee break. So it was left to him to answer the phone and recklessly abandon all that extremely important paperwork that had massed up in the 'Out' tray on his desk.

**"Hello? Um, Indigo Plateau, this is Ash Ketchum speaking."** he said carefully into the receiver.

**"Stop calling me."** A voice barked, and he held the receiver slightly away from his face.

**"Mwaaaaa? Hey, you just called here!"**

**"Ash, if you keep calling me, I'll never talk to you again."** The voice, decidedly female, ordered again.

**"Wait, is this Misty?"**

The voice snorted sarcastically. **"No, it's the Imperial Princess, jerk-off."**

**"Hey Misty."** he said carefully. **"What's up?"**

**"Quit calling me, quit texting me and for the love of God, QUIT E-MAILING ME!!!"** She took a breath on the other end. **"I am NOT having your child, so find some moron who will."**

Ash frowned. **"Um, Mist', if you actually read the e-mails instead of sending them back, you'd see that half were forwards I got from Brock and Tracey, and the rest were either about the Gym or if you wanted to come out with Brock, Tracey and me at the weekend."**

**"Oh. Well… erm… okay."**

**"So you'll come?"**

**"Um… okay… and Ash?"**

**"Mm-hm?"**

**"All those flowers and stuff? Really pathetic of you, but nice. Thanks."**

**"So you'll do it?"**

**"NO!"**

The phone was slammed down with a flurry of curses and Ash sweatdropped, before gingerly placing the phone back on the hook. **"Well,"** he muttered to himself, walking back into his office, loosening his tie and kicking his feet back on the desk as he flopped into his chair, **"There's always plan B…"** He frowned before rooting through some bank-looking papers.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**"Please?"**

**"NO."**

**"But-"**

**"I SAID _NO_." **

Brock wiped the remnants of something vodka-y and orangey from his face and held up his little black (empty) phonebook and yelled: **"Did the last five minutes mean _NOTHING_ TO YOU?!_ CALL MEEE_!!!"** before slouching back to the bar where he had ordered Ash to flirt like mad but he was actually knocking back a LOT of tequila, vodka and anything else with a high volume. **"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…" **Ash drained his shot glass.

**"Floor, hopefully."** he muttered sardonically. **"Seen Misty anywhere?" **Brock shook his head, and Ash muttered 'damn'. 

**"Why? And I thought I told you to flirt?"** demanded Brock, putting his hands on his hips expectantly and studying Ash's face in the coloured light for a reaction. Ash just shook his head.

"I dunno, I guess I'm just letting this get me down… but…" he trailed off, avoiding Brock's gaze nervously and peering through the psychedelic lights to the floor. 

**"How did I know there was a 'but' coming?" **Ash glared, but Brock didn't notice – too busy noticing the girl sitting next to him until some other guy walked up and led her off to the dance floor. **"Sorry, what were you saying?"**

**"I was saying that I don't want to… y'know… with… someone I just met. Which means I wanna go home." **Wait years for a miracle, and two come along at once. Brock's eyes widened to the unbelievable width of TWO millimetres, and a buxom blonde with more chest than personality clamped herself to his arm and dragged him away. Brock almost protested, but changed his mind; making the 'call me' motion with his hand before disappearing into the crowds. Ash knocked back another glass before heading out towards the taxis outside.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

Pikachu was laughing when Ash stumbled downstairs the next morning, tripped over his shoes, and walked into the kitchen door before he got to the coffee maker. **"_[Rough night?]_"** she teased, and grinned harder when she saw the look on his face.

"I'm never listening to Brock again. 'Oh, Ash, you may as well come out – it'll be fun – you'll be able to unwind.' Unwind, my ass-ugh…"

**"_[Hangover?]_"** Pikachu asked innocently, pleased with the irony of the situation, especially when he nodded. She kicked a glass across the counter that contained fizzy weird stuff and chuckled when Ash began choking as the bubbles went up his nose. **"_[Hey, what can I say but-]_"**

**"Don't you dare, Pikachu-"**

**"_[I told you so.]_"**

Ash hissed slightly before storming upstairs to the bathroom. Pikachu scampered into the living room and was grooming herself when the computer was bleeping something about e-mails. It was from Lance – she could read human enough to know that, but she couldn't make out the rest, apart from something about 'B' and Pikachupi.

**"_[What are you doing?]_"** Chikorita asked, jumping onto the seat and rubbing her eyes with a vine, yawning. She looked at the screen and gasped, **"_[You're reading Chikori's e-mails! I'm gonna tell on you!]_"** she yelled, and ran out of the room. Pikachu scowled, clicked off of the e-mail page and chased after her.

Fifteen minutes later, Pikachu was sulking in the kitchen. So was Chikorita as the egg-timer counted down the last of a ten-minute time-out for breaking an ornament that wasn't even Ash's – it was supposed to be for his mom for Christmas.

**"_[This is all your fault, y'know.]_"** muttered Pikachu to where Chikorita was trying to make a love-heart out of kibble. Chikorita's crimson eyes lit in fury.

**"_[My fault? _MY_ fault? If you hadn't been reading Chikori's e-mail I wouldn't have gone to tell! And you hit me!]_"** she bit back, throwing a kibble across the kitchen.

Pikachu shot back, **"_[And WHY would you go to tell?! You're supposed to be on MY side!]_"** she growled, getting more riled when Chikorita looked away innocently.

**"_[I'm on no-one's side.]_"** she said demurely. Pikachu growled and was about to say something else when the timer when off, and Pikapi opened the door, let them out, and shoved a load of porcelain into the bin.

**"Behave,"** he said warningly, before following them out to where the computer was printing a load of spreadsheets and stuff.

Pikachu jumped up to where the printouts were lying on the desk. **"_[Um, Pikapi? What's this? I thought you didn't have to work on a Sunday…]_"**

**"That's a last resort, Pikachu,"**

**"_[Ohh… like a plan B?]_"** she asked curiously. Pikapi nodded before shuffling the papers together, stapling them and shoving them into a file, then into his briefcase and shut down the computer impatiently.

Chikorita looked curiously at them, before asking shyly, **"_[What's a plan B?]_"**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

tsuzuku

          [A/N] LOL! Part three! Two parts in three days, aren't you lucky? Now I NEED HELP. I have no idea what a plan B could be, so all suggestions wanted! ^_^

          Okay, now that this is done, I'm going to go off in a corner and cry somewhere because three people have told me that Savage Garden have split up and I have to listen to Affirmation while hugging a teddy and eating chocolate. Oh, and crying. Crying is good.

          Please review? Pwease? I'm depressed as it is, and that poor little box below is hungry, and it needs to eat letters to feed his wife and kids too…

          ^_^

          ~ Kaz-Ohki

          xxx


	4. Mission Control... prepare for take-off....

*grins, waves, and falls off her swivel chair*

LOL! Part 4! Aren't you all the luckiest bunch of people in the world? *tee-hee*

*glomps everyone who has reviewed so far* DOMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASU!!

Pokémon, all characters, monsters, therapists and self-help guides are property of some rich sumo wrestler in Japan – who accidentally squashed the bloke who owns Nintendo when he sat down on the chikatetsu (subway) last week  – and the tree in my back garden, who needs something to cheer it up after my dog, erm, 'relieved' himself (and I don't mean in a bladder-way) on the trunk.

So. Um… oh, yeah.

Theme Song: "Take My Hand" - Dido

(LOL, I just look at my playlist and pick the first one I see… Be glad it wasn't Bob the Builder!)

^_^

By the way, who else here agrees with me that Heero Yuy (Gundam Wing) isn't evil, just misunderstood (and damn sexy)?

Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone who offered suggestions for 'Plan B' – I really didn't know what the hell to do, so all your suggestions REALLY helped, and, erm, I've used a lot of them, I hope y'all don't mind! :D Arigatou and glomps go to **Llyxius**, _Nicky_, **A*MON**, _Dragoness_, **Mia-chan, **_Wlah_ aaaaaand …**LitOmZsaMi**! Minna-san! Hoshi desu yo!!! *glomp*

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**Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ **

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**:: 4 ::**

          Pikachu _knew_ that Pikapi was planning something. She had always been able to tell. Like when he was planning that party over last New Years and had sent Tracey over to the Orange Islands to get alcohol cheaper than you could in Kanto, and had sent all those e-mails to the Joys and Jennies trying to get Brock a date. Still, this was different. He was _always_ on the phone to the squinty-one lately, and the bandana-ed one had tried to talk him out of… whatever it was he was doing. But Pikapi would always turn around and say, **"When you're in this position, remind me to lecture _you_ on ethics"** and the subject was never broached again.

          By now, Pikapi had resigned himself to the train of thought that ran along 'I'm going to be a father eventually, so what difference would it make now, or in five years or so?', although he had tried every possible method of squirming his way out of it, including suggesting adoption, foster care or artificial insemination, but the evil, bitchy, demon-bespectacled lawyer sniffily replied that it had to be _his_ child, no-one else's, and he wasn't the type of person just to have a child and _ignore_ the fact that he was a father, or not even knowing the mother at all… it was just an ethical thing to do, in his book. If he was being forced to have a baby, he at _least_ wanted to have something to do with the mother, i.e., relationship? The only thing now was to find someone desperate/stupid/horny/pathetic enough to do all of that in six weeks. Why couldn't Brock be a girl, dammit?!

          Which left him with two options, well, three, but Ash wasn't planning on becoming a priest/monk/committing suicide. He could harass and beg Misty until she agreed – which was the more favourable, or… wait, did he say three?! He had _two_ options. Unless of course he got Melody or Duplica drunk, but quite frankly, Ash wasn't the one to break up a marriage, and Rudy and Melody… seemed happy, he guessed. And Duplica and Ditto just plain freaked him out. 

          Ash rattled a pen against his lip and teeth thoughtfully, while guiding Lara Croft around yet another, identical ancient dungeon, before nearly choking on the pen lid and frantically closing down _Tomb Raider XVI_ when someone knocked on his office door and opened the door a crack. Ash waved the fluffy haired secretary in quickly, where she left a large, plain, manila envelope on his desk before skipping out and closing the door. Picking up the envelope non-too-carefully, Ash immediately recognised Brock's overly neat cursive on the front, before ripping the flap open recklessly, pausing only when a thin piece of paper dropped out. It was Brock, again, but this time, the writing was slightly messier, and reported that in the envelope was something that had been passed down between male members of his family for many years, and because Brock considered Ash to be (another) younger brother, this was his to pass on to someone in his family after use. The letter closed with telling Ash to be careful with this antique, and could he please keep the pages clean for future generations, from Brock xxx. 

          Ash shrugged, until he noticed p.t.o. scrawled minutely in the corner. The writing wasn't Brock's, in fact, it resembled Tracey's more than anyone else's, saying that because Ash 'seemed to have no chance with sleeping with anyone before January, he should try this instead.' Which instantly brought Ash's sense of suspicion to full power. Nervously, he slid the antique out of its confines, before his jaw hit the table in a mix of shock and something like disgust. Of course, the magazine was one of Brock's favourites – that didn't bother Ash, because Brock left them lying around everywhere. What shocked Ash was the front cover- **"Oh my God, is that a Bulbasaur?!"**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**            "Hello?" Brock chirped cheerfully into the phone, peering into its screen waiting for Visual to turn itself on.**

          **"Very funny," a voice snapped, and Brock grinned.**

          **"Oh, hey Ash." he said innocently into the receiver, ****"How's life?" Visual switched itself on, and Brock choked back giggles over Ash's thunderous facial expression.**

          Ash glowered even more, **"How's life? _How's life_?! Well, for starters, there's the fact that _someone_ sent a porno magazine into my office today, and the fact that Gary almost caught me with it and he would _have had a field day_ if he had. And you can stop pulling the innocent expression with me, Brock, because I _KNOW_ it was you who sent it in. You AND Tracey, and if you do it again, I'll give those pictures of you BOTH from Joy's graduation party. _With_ the Mareep."**

**            Brock shrugged nonchalantly. ****"So did you like the magazine?"**

**            "NO I DID NOT!!!" bellowed Ash, his face leaning up into the camera, making Brock instinctively back away. ****"WHY did you even send me it?!"**

          **"Because at the moment, you have absolutely no chance of anyone – never mind Misty – sleeping with you, never mind having your child."**

          Ash looked aghast, **"What, have you done an opinion poll on me or something?" Brock shook his head no. ****"Well, how the hell do you know that?" **

          Brock replied, **"Simple. You defend your title on February 1st. Therefore, people will wait and see if you keep a hold of it before they make a move. Happens all the time. Plus the fact that Misty rang me the other night asking me to ask you to quit sending flowers, because Violet's come down with hay fever. Aaaand there's also the fact that-"**

**            "Are you some kind of monitor on my sex life?!" Ash demanded, shaking his head. Brock nodded.**

          **"Something like that, yup. So, did you like the magazine of not?"**

**            "NO!"**

**            Brock put a look of false annoyance on his face, before saying, ****"There's no need to be rude. That magazine has been passed through our family since my older cousin Alex was sixteen and I was five, and he gave it to me for my sixth birthday. Since then, it's passed through our family like an heirloom!"**

**            "Isn't Alex the one who had three kids by the time he was twenty to three different girls?"**

**            "Shut up." ordered Brock, as a thin tinge of jealousy crept into his voice. ****"Anyway, have you decided what you're going to do yet?" He sighed as Ash shook his head. ****"I don't mean to sound pedantic or rude or nosey or anything, but you _do_ only have six weeks. Five, to make sure that who-ever-it-is actually gets pregnant."**

**            "Just keep talking, Brock," Ash sighed sarcastically. ****"Make me feel better, why don't you?"**

**            "Okay."**

**            "I was being sarcastic."**

**            "I know."**

**            Ash growled at Brock, with his dark eyes flashing dangerously, before the phone hung up. Brock grinned, before bringing up a few Internet windows on his computer screen. The small Rururi _(A/N – Marill's pre-evolved form – Read: Pokémon Advanced)_ on his lap sighed and wiped the drool off her head.**

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          **"No."**

**            "Pleeeeeease?"**

**            "Absolutely no way."**

**            Ash paused, before putting his best 'pitiful, kicked-puppy-dog eyes' expression on and wheedled pathetically, ****"Pleeeeeaaaaaasse? I'll be your best friend forever and ever and ever! And I'll give you my new Tentacruel…" Misty faltered for a brief moment, before her resolve strengthened and she ignored him. **

**            "No! Ash, quit it, you'll never get anywhere."**

**            "But I spent aaaages trying to capture it! Don't be mean!" he whined, waving the Lure Ball around childishly. ****"I'll give you my Lapras too…"**

**            "Uh-uh."**

**            "MISTY!! PLEASE!" he yelled, exasperated. ****"It's only a baby! No big deal!" Her jaw dropped and Ash knew he was in big trouble.**

          **"ONLY a baby? Ash, I'm going to be pregnant for nine months, completely ruining my figure and _everything_ else, and THEN I'll have to look after it until he-or-she decides to move out and go to collage, and _you_ think that it's 'no big deal'?? Absolutely not."**

**            "I'll catch you that Red Gyarados in the Lake Of Rage. And I'll give you a Feraligatr for Christmas… Honest!"**

**            She paused. ****"…No. And quit trying to blackmail me, because it won't work!" She stamped her foot and glared at him.**

          **"Aw, c'mooooon! You're supposed to be my best friend!" He began wailing, which got Pikachu chuckling and patting his back reassuringly, while rolling her eyes to Totodile who was trying to teach the Egg how to do the Birdie Dance. Misty looked around uncomfortably, before pulling nervously at the corners of a green scatter cushion.**

          **"Um… Ash, it's not that big a deal, honestly. You can ask someone else, can't you?" He shook his head, and Pikachu followed suit. ****"W-why not?"**

**            "Because I only sorta wanted to ask one of my friends and you're the only single _girl_ one left…" he bit his lip, hiccupped and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. ****"'Sides, I thought lots of single women were having babies."**

          **"I'm NOT having a baby as a fashion accessory."**

**            "Okay, okay, fine… Will you marry me?" he asked, diving to one knee in front of her. ****"Please?" **

**            "MWAAAA?!" Misty freaked out; the Egg laughed evilly and blew up the stereo, scaring the scales off of Totodile, and Ash flew backwards, using his hands to ward off any incoming mallets.**

          **"Okay, okay, maybe not… please don't kill me, Mist'…" he begged, hiding behind a blue cushion and bunching himself up into a ball. He cringed when he felt something thump against the pillow and meekly opened one eye, freaking out when he saw the blue high-heel lodged firmly in the padding and some feathery-type-things poking through the tear in the fabric. ****"Hey, what was that for?!"**

**            "No reason. Just the fact that I am NOT, EVER going to _ever_ marry you!" Ash pouted and glared sulkily at her. **

          **"Why not?"**

          Misty's jaw dropped, and Pikachu grinned viciously. **"Why won't I marry you? Oh, gee, let me think. 1- you snore louder than a Snorlax-"**

**            "Do not! Take that back – I only did that when I was a kid-" he protested.**

**            "_[She's right, actually, Pikapi. Very very loud.]_" Pikachu interrupted, sheepishly.**

**            Ash slumped dejectedly into his seat, Misty continued, unheeded. ****"2. You're so pig-headed sometimes you'd be better off in a farmyard-"**

**            "Take it back! I am NOT pig-headed! Pikachu, shut UP!" he yelled to where Pikachu was laughing and making oinking sounds from the floor.**

          **"3 …" Ash blocked out the rest of what she was saying. Damn, she had to find fault in everything… Still… what was it that Brock had said before… Ack. Oh right… that was it… that movie…**

          **"6," he interrupted, before biting his lip cautiously. ****"I, erm, I'll give you ****¥250,000,000 if you, erm… y'know… do… it." He looked her dead in the eye, but her eyes were wide, and her face was pale. ****"Misty?" Pikachu grabbed Totodile by the tail, fearing a shouting match was definitely on the cards, and ran out of the room to the under-stairs cupboard where Chikorita was busy with her daily practise of Pikapi-worship, with a photograph, surrounded by candles and old sakura blossom she'd kept pressed and dried by the boiler. Keeping a keen ear pressed against the closet door, Pikachu tried to ignore Chikorita's angry protests about being disturbed, and hear Pikapi and Pikachupi's 'conversation', but all she heard was some muffled yelling, something being hit, then someone storming awkwardly out of the door. **

          All three Pokémon crept quietly out of the closet, and into the living room, where Ash was staring vacantly at the door, bright red mark on his cheek and feathers waving around in the air where Misty had snatched her shoe out of the cushion, whose depleted remains lay at the foot of the couch.

          **"_[Pikapi? How'd it go?]_"**

**            "Not good."**

**            Pikachu smiled reassuringly at Ash, who flopped back onto the couch, sending a cloud of feathers up into the air. ****"_[Well, there's always Plan B, right?]_"**

**            "No." Ash said mournfully, rubbing the bridge of his nose thoughtfully, ****"That ­_was_ plan B… Or at least part of it…"**

          Pikachu sighed, curled up in his lap and said nothing, only purring when he began scratching her behind the ears.

          Ash frowned, blowing a feather off of his nose with an upturned corner of his mouth. **"Pikachu…?"**

**            "_[What?]_"**

          **"If you have any more ideas, I'd _really_ like to hear them."**

          Pikachu smirked, before dragging the Yellow Pages across and turning to a book-marked page. She scored a circle around the advert with a claw and grinned with her sharp little teeth. **"_[I don't think you're in any more position to act all morally correct, NOW, Pikapi.]_" She scampered over to where the phone rested in its' holder. Ash paled, making his hair stand out startlingly against his usually tanned skin, and his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.**

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          People didn't spare a glance at the two Pokémon busking outside of the store on Viridian High Street. Pikachu was singing – badly, and Chikorita was dancing – and knocking over shoppers. 

          The store in itself was pretty normal – a large, windowed front, stocked with clothes and trainers on sale, dressed mannequins wearing baseball caps and in various poses. The little door, next to the shop and sitting nestled away in the décor, however, was barely noticeable, the only thing standing out being the bright pink note saying "PLEASE KNOCK AND WAIT". Most people didn't even notice it was there.

          All in all, however, it was a typical, pre-Christmas afternoon, with snow falling gently and silently amongst the throngs of people, and lights sparkling merrily above the streets depicting presents and angels and festive pictures. A crib that showed the Nativity was visible through the people, and a soft hum of carollers could be heard, and as they launched into the chorus of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen", a muted scream could be heard. It got louder… and louder… and louder still, until the invisible door burst open, and Ash tumbled out onto the floor, looking like he'd seen a ghost. Pikachu snickered. Chikorita launched herself into a psychotic smothering routine, checking every part of his body for injuries and cooing over him a la Deliah. Ash scrabbled to his feet, smacking snow off his jeans and looking furtively around the crowded street, before fitting his cap firmly on his head and stalking off down the road.

          Pikachu jumped to his shoulder and whispered into his ear, **"_[So, have fun?]_" she asked coyly.**

          **"No. I didn't even _get_ that far either," he hissed, ****"It-it's SICK! They-they make you… DO things… to yourself…" He shuddered, and glared at Pikachu smothering laughter in his jacket collar. ****"And besides," he added confidently, trying to shake off any weirdness he'd felt before and putting on a false sense of aloofness, ****"that was one of Brock's ideas. And you know what I tell you, right?"**

**            "_[Never listen to a human that gets turned on by three Nidoran going at it.]_"**

**            "Exactly. So think of some better ideas."**

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**            Christmas came and went _far_ too quickly for Ash, although not all of it was bad. Deliah seemed to have forgotten what Brock had claimed to tell her about the whole 'Ash-baby-evilness' thing, but fortunately remembered every, _single_ embarrassing thing Ash had EVER done and told ALL of them to Gary, May and Samuel Oak over the course of Christmas Day. Including the time when he was three, had made up an imaginary friend called "Dolly-boo" and ran out of the house and halfway around Pallet dressed up in one of his mother's skirts and lipstick plastered across his face. Gary had disappeared moments later, mobile phone in tow. Everyone in the Indigo Plateau three days later looked at him like he was either diseased or just plain mental, so naturally, Gary had added a few more 'details' onto the story. Oh God… Ash was sure Gary had been a storyteller in a past life.**

          Brock had phoned him on Boxing Day and proceeded to laugh down the phone for five minutes before even starting the conversation, and when Tracey had gotten back from the Orange Islands, Ash wanted a few convenient Dugtrio to dig a hole and swallow him up, please Myuu.

          And now here Ash was, in one of Brock's-siblings-who-had-left-home's bedroom getting changed for the New Years Eve party up on Indigo Plateau. And he was oh-so looking forward to it, and sarcasm _was_ implied there, thank you very much. The only problem was that the only single people going were either male, Misty or various Joys and Jennies. He guessed you could count the Cerulean Sisters as well, who tended to go through boyfriends like they were going out of fashion. Then again, he didn't necessarily have to be with a _single_ woman, did he… but then again, he wasn't that type of person. Right? The whole thing reeked of Indecent Proposal, so much so, that he half expected himself to be over fifty and in some seedy nightclub. Then again, it wasn't a one-night stand he was supposedly proposing. Not that he'd complain if it _happened_… but… How the hell were ties supposed to go again? 

          Ash growled at his reflection, and sent the loaned tie across the room, where it caught on the door handle and sighed. Tonight was New Years Eve and he was NOT letting ANYTHING stop him having fun. Absolutely nothing. He was going to go to Indigo and get absolutely plastered, and nothing short of the Apocalypse itself would stop him winning the Tequila competition. Bwa-ha-ha! He was Ash Ketchum – Orange, Johto and Kanto League Champion, he wasn't going to let Brock beat him at something as minor as Tequila slamming.

          Right?

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          **"One – Two – THREE!" Aaaand Brock clattered to the floor from the barstool, and Ash shook his head in shame, although most of that was for himself. How could he let himself be knocked out in the first round?! It was EMBARRASING! He was the Tequila Master! This was almost as humiliating as the time the other year when he and Brock- Who the hell decided to change the rules, anyway? Even TRACEY didn't normally beat him – in fact, Tracey always got knocked out first. Why change the dance though? The rules were simple – the first one, after drinking three shots of Tequila, to fall down while dancing the Macarena was out. So who was the wise guy to change the Macarena to the Birdie Dance? The ONLY dance he could never get the hang of, no matter how much Totodile persevered at home with the patience of a Poké-saint, trying to teach Ash how to put one foot in front of the other when Ash barely knew what a foot _was_. From the way Gary was laughing, Ash would bet money on the fact that it was Gary who had changed the dance. Tracey was watching them all cautiously – Brock when drunk was scary, and he always ended up being designated driver anyway. Well, the first one _out_ was designated driver. Hence Ash was sulking.**

          Ash was slightly nervous now – Daisy _said_ she was coming, but Daisy and Lily had already arrived, so where were Violet and-

          **"Not late, am I?" Speak of the She-devil, and she doth appear. In a _very_ sparkly, blue, erm… nice, short, erm, sparkly thing… All sense went out of the window. ****"Ash? How come you aren't in the Tequila match?" He cringed, and hid his shamed, burning face under locks of black hair. ****"I, erm, decided not to play this year-" he bluffed, avoiding her questioning eyes that seemingly changed colours in the party lights. ****"Y-Y'know, erm, give someone else a chance, né?"**

          Tracey came up behind them. **"Gary and Richie changed the dance from the Macarena to the Birdie Dance, and Ash tripped over his feet, fell over three barstools and knocked Karen over." he said calmly, picking at a button on his olive-coloured shirt. Ash glared and hissed 'Traitor', but his sound was lost, drowned out by heavy club music. He glared at the pair of them as he watched Misty smirk slightly.**

          Gary wailed in anguish as his legs finally agreed with the amount of alcohol in his system, and gave out, and he collapsed into a heap on the floor, dragging Richie down with him, not that Richie minded, and Brock leapt to his feet unsteadily, yelling that he was now officially a sex-god, before keeling over and collapsing onto the bar. 

          Sigh. 

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          Ash was hiding, now. Hiding in a nice, safe place, away from where Brock was chatting people up in the hope of a kiss at midnight, although he was so out of it that he'd probably end up getting it on with the coat rack, and calling it Felulah. The clock was reading 10:55pm, and the last time he took a peek from his hiding place (ten minutes ago), Tracey had been running screaming out of the building, chased by three girls – one waving handcuffs manically around her head, all laughing insanely, Brock was _still_ drinking various narcotics and trying to chat up the barmaid, and Richie and Gary were dangerously close to getting cited for lewd conduct. Misty was talking animatedly with Erika, Violet and Rudy had vanished upstairs and Daisy was trying to divert Lt. Surge's attentions away from her. Bugsy was wearing platform trainers in the hope that one of the bartenders would be fooled into thinking he was eighteen – and it failed. Dismally.

          His fingers curled around the sharp, folded piece of paper in his pocket. He owed Lance big time. Lance had thought it was a joke Ash was playing, and he _did_ have a sense of humour… at times. Lance was just a big kid, wrapped inside that cloak of his. Still, Lance didn't know that this WASN'T a joke – this was damned serious. Really. Probably. Until February, at least. Maybe March. Yeah, March should do it. April? Nah, too far. 

          Ash looked around him furtively, although there wasn't anyone else crazy enough to be hiding in the coat rack, unless they were as shamefaced as he was. First round knockout, indeed! That meant he had to try to stop Brock from singing out of the car window and stop Rudy singing "Qué Sera Sera" loud enough to wake every Snorlax in the region. He unfolded the official piece of paper, scanning the paper for the tenth time with his eyes, making out minute, black-typed letters detailing various, usually personal minutiae, followed by Lance's embellished signature. This had _better_ work, because this _was_ Plan, erm… C? D? Either way, it was the Last Resort, and something he _knew_ would earn him a kicking in a few months time.

          Something snapped inside, and he realised that hiding in the coat rack all night, with the fuzz from Whitney's collar tickling his nose was not going to get him anywhere. So, he straightened his posture, shoved some of his fringe from his eyes, and set his face in a determined expression, before struggling with a different coat, tripping up and stumbling out of his hiding place, narrowly missing yet another barstool in the rainbow-coloured darkness.

          He didn't know how, or why, or, erm, _how_ he got there so quickly, but he got there just in time for Brock to be shoved away playfully by Misty… straight into Ash. Brock grinned drunkenly and adoringly, before asking in a slurred manner: **"Hey there, sugar. How would you like to trade your New Years kiss for a wild ride on the Brocky train?"**

          Ash freaked, before ducking away from Brock's incoming face, which sent Brock into a crowd of various people, setting off a domino effect. 

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          Eventually, Ash found himself and Misty in a small, dim room upstairs – and its normal use was obvious, considering the three other rooms they'd walked into – and promptly walked back out of. Still, privacy was privacy, and if she _was_ going to belt him again, he'd prefer it not to be in public. 

          **"Um… Ash?"** she asked quietly, breaking him out of various hallucinations of ways she would kill him slowly and painfully, using that Egg of hers. **"Why'd you bring me up here?" **She cocked an eyebrow questioningly. ****

**            "Um… no reason"** he bluffed, chuckling nervously and weakly, before it died in the thickening atmosphere around them. **"Um… okay, um, there is a reason, I-er… d'you want a drink? I could go downstairs and- maybe not, then"** he stalled, watching her grin as she told him that she wouldn't drink in one of these 'rooms' _ever_.

          **"Ash, before you start – if this has _anything_ to do with the fact that you've been a virtual stalker for the past three weeks, tell me now, cuz I'm going to leave this room."** she said, suddenly, and he fixed his eyes on her.

          He paused, running through various tactics in his mind, **"Um… well… not exactly – no, wait, just… hear me out? Please?"** He switched his face into "kicked puppy mode", and sighed when she closed the door again. **"Thanks… Um… 'kay, um, God, this is hard. Um. D'you… D'you remember in October, the League forced every trainer in the country into a medical?"** She nodded, cringing, and he got the feeling that she remembered all too well.** "Um… well…"** He shrugged, and reluctantly offered the much-folded piece of paper from his pocket, ducking his face 'nervously' under his fringe.

          Misty scanned the creased document quickly with blue eyes, passing over various details about Ash's general health, until the heading "**_anomalous results_**" caught her eye. Her eyes widened at the minute details, re-reading them again and again until he cleared his throat awkwardly. Their eyes met questioningly. **"I… I don't… get it…"** she told him shakily, swallowing at the newly appeared lump in her throat again and again to clear it, and not succeeding. **"Ash, you're-"** He nodded seriously, his face set stonily as he watched her, the uncertainty in his eyes meeting with hers. **"But-"** He shrugged. She avoided his eyes and his face, biting her lip as a last-ditch attempt to keep tears at bay. It was futile. They came anyway and she found herself wrapped in his arms, with her head on his chest, crying like a baby. **"How… how long?"** the inevitable question had to be asked, minutes later, when she had calmed down somewhat. Ash didn't answer for a few moments, instead, he hugged her closer.

          **"About… about a year,"** he eventually whispered into her hair. **"Maybe eighteen months…"** And she was sobbing again, fiercer.

          Ash bit his lip, watching where Pikachu had followed him and was hiding in the corner, giving him two paws-up for his acting skills, feigning applause and parodying the typical Oscar speech, with an impressive display of crocodile tears, while Misty was crying real ones and making his shoulder wet.

          She was going to _kill_ him, _really_ when she found out.

          **"Anyone in here?!"** Brock announced loudly, slamming the door open on its hinges so that it creaked indignantly. A blonde, who was far past being sober, clung to his arms with lipstick smeared across her face. **"Heeeey… I know you two, don't I? Awww… don't cry, erm, lady. You'll get your turn with me next year…"** he slurred, before grinning. **"Nearly midnight, um, peoples. Go for it!"** He lurched out of the doorway and slammed the innocent door closed again. The room was quiet again, save for Misty sniffling quietly into Ash's shirt. 

          **"How long have you known…?"** she eventually asked, quietly, pulling away from his shoulder and staring into his serious, regretful eyes with her puffy, red and blue ones. 

          Ash bit his lip, almost looking like he was wishing this weren't true and impressing Pikachu _very_ much. **"About… About a month."** he replied carefully, **"But Lance knew for about a fortnight before that."** she nodded, burying her head on his shoulder again.

          **"Why couldn't you have told me that…?"** she whispered, partly to herself a few minutes later. He hummed some acquiesce, before realizing she was crying again. 

          Oh yeah.

          She was going to _kill_ him.

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~tsuzuku~

          [A/N] LOL, okay, this was all over the place and just plain scum, but be nice – I'm not well again (got sent home from school on Friday) and was banned from going to see Harry Potter.

          So, this being done, I'm going to TRY to get some SS* and/or TC done, because, let's face it, both fics are nearly a year old, and I haven't finished them, which is embarrassing. ^^'

          Oh, again, HUGE hugs go to the peeps named at the top for their suggestions – especially Llyxius, cuz, erm, if you read her review for part 3, erm, the entire last paragraph was based on that. ^^' I hope you don't mind me using it, hoshi-san!

          Okay, erm… PLEASE review – it'll make me feel better, honest! Just click that lovely, nice button down there, and type in anything that comes to mind in the box that appears. :-) Go on. You know you want to.

          ~ Kaz-Ohki

          xxx

          *18/11/01


	5. T-Minus

Okies. Part 5. Meh.

Will get straight into the fic now without any annoying-ness at the beginning. I can't think of anything to say. I am going to drink caffeine and find something to say. Expect long note at the end. ^_^'

Pokémon, all characters, monsters, respective others and the like are all property of Voldemort (or, to Wizard-kind, 'You-Know-Who' or 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named'). 

Incidentally, who else agrees with me that "The Prisoner of Azkaban" is by far the best Harry Potter book? Eh. I'm just a Sirius fan… Padfoot-chan! *^.^*

Theme Song: "Have A Nice Day" – Stereophonics. 

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ **

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**:: 5 ::**

          Brock and Tracey shook their heads simultaneously in disbelief. Marill blinked in incomprehension, and Pikachu replied to the water-mouse that she'd explain when Marill was older. 

          **"I don't know how in _hell_ you got her to agree to do it… three days ago she told me that if you asked her again she was going to, erm, take a large stick, make it really spiky and shove it up your-"**

Brock interrupted Tracey quickly, **"What did you say to her? C'mon, tell me! I could use it!"** he said, practically bouncing off the couch, causing both Ash and Tracey to sweatdrop profusely. Ash squirmed when both men fixed their gazes on him.

          **"Um… Ehehe… well, I, um, sorta told her…"**

Brock squealed in anticipation, **"What? What did you tell her? Tellmetellmetellmetellmeeeeee!!"**

Ash squirmed again, twisting his mouth slightly as he tried to articulate politely _exactly_ how he got her to do it. **"Er… well… I… sortatoldherIwasdyingandhadayeartolive heh heh, funny, right?" **he babbled, darting his eyes around the room to where Pikachu was trying to explain to poor, bubble-tailed Marill, to where Brock was hurriedly scribbling notes, and to where Tracey had gone slightly pale. 

          The room descended into an awkward silence, until Tracey cleared his throat awkwardly. **"Um… Ash? You do know that if she finds out, she WILL kill you. Painfully. Especially if she's… y'know…"** he told Ash seriously, before the silence returned, and Pikachu giggled nervously.

          Ash thought for a moment – he'd never seen it like that… but then, **"How would she find out, anyway? It's not like any of you guys are going to _tell_ her, right?"** He glared accusingly, pulling Charizard's Pokéball from his belt and tossing it in his hand with wary nonchalance. Tracey was quick to agree. Brock hid behind the couch. 

          **"Yeah,"** Brock added, **"But if you don't ever tell her, don't you think that in a year's time when you AREN'T six feet under, she'll get suspicious?"**

          Pikachu burst out laughing, watching Ash's face rapidly match the snow on Brock's lawn, before panic broke out when Ash keeled over in what appeared to be a fainting episode and fell off the chair he was sitting on. He groaned in despair. **"I never thought of thaaaat…!"** he wailed, picking himself up and heaving himself back into the chair. Brock smirked slightly, and Tracey simply shook his head. Fifteen years still hadn't make Ash any less dense.

          **"Well, you'll have to tell her that you're _not_ dying, you know. Sooner, rather than later."** he said, leaning forward slightly on his side of the couch.

          Ash paused. **"But… couldn't I just wait until-"**

**            "You could," **Tracey interrupted, **"But then she WILL kill you. Seriously. She'll rip you to pieces and feed you to her Magikarp. And then she'll-"** Brock cleared his throat and indicated to where Pikachu was covering Marill's innocent, huge ears, **"Well,"** said Tracey, **"it's true! She's capable of it! She told me that unless you stopped annoying her, she was going to hang you upside down from a holly tree by your-"**

**            "I thought she was going to shove a really spiky stick up his-"**

**            "That too."**

Ash whined softly, Pikachu burst into hysterical laughter, and Marill just blinked, giggling nervously as she slowly grasped the innuendo in her Trainer's statements. When the brief interlude of psychosis eventually died, Brock appeared to be in deep thought. **"Something wrong, Brocko?" **Ash asked, awkwardly looking at everyone. Brock shook himself into awareness, and grinned.

          **"Not really. Ash, you do know that there _is_ ONE good point to all this, y'know."** he started, rubbing at the slight stubble on his chin thoughtfully, and giving himself the air of an intellect – which of course was _far_ from the truth.

          Ash's face brightened as Brock finished his sentence, but Tracey beat him to the punch. **"Which is…?"** prompted Tracey, now bouncing Marill slightly in his lap, while raking a hand through his dark hair and fixed his trademark pinkish bandana against his fringe.

          As Brock opened his mouth to reply, his cheeks gained an almost instantaneous pink flush, his eyes gained that old, familiar glaze, and a thin trail of saliva began to creep down his chin. **"Well…"** he began, and crossed his legs; **"Ash gets to sleep with Misty."** he told them. **"Many times."**

          Pikachu, Tracey and Marill all got the obligatory sweatdrop trickling down the backs of their necks.

Ash paled, then groaned, then promptly fainted flat out on the floor. Pikachu began kicking him in his side futilely.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          When Ash finally gained consciousness, he was still in Brock's living room, but he was on the couch. Outside, it was pitch black, and the loud snoring from upstairs indicated that Brock had gone to bed, and Tracey had more than likely gone home. As his eyes slowly began to adjust to their dark surroundings, Ash became aware of two, previously un-thought of things. One, he had a major cramp in his side, and two, Brock was right. Ash was going to have to sleep with someone who was practically his sister. Mwaaaaa… this was SO unfair. He groaned slightly, and almost instantly, a slight glow lit on his stomach, and alerted Ash to a small, fuzzy presence on top of him, which scrambled across and sat up on his chest, before licking her paws. **"_[Welcome back to the land of the living, Pikapi]_" she grinned, before craning her neck and biting at an itch on her tail. ****"_[Feeling better? Chikorita should be a Pokémon Nurse – that is, if she ever gets out of her glomping stage]_" She chuckled, before she clambered over to Ash's shoulder and nipped his ear affectionately, rubbing her cheek against his. Smiling warily, Ash rubbed the stiffer fur at the tips of her ears, and Pikachu's paw began to pound his chest, while she purred. **

**            "I can't believe I didn't think that out properly…" he muttered, more to himself, a few minutes later, staring up at the lampshade hanging in the bleak above him. Pikachu looked at him curiously with nocturnal-keen eyes.**

**"_[How d'ya mean?]_" she asked curiously, ****"_[The fact you're not going to die or the fact that you have to mate?]_" Licking a paw habitually, she wrinkled her button nose and tapped her foot on his chest.**

          Ash met her gaze. **"Both? No, I WAS going to _tell_ her I wasn't going to snuff it… some time this year, but… y'know, _that_… I never thought of, y'know, _doing_ it…" **

          Pikachu looked intrigued.** "_[How so? If you're planning on having a litter, you have to mate, Pikapi. It's the usual practise.]_" she said, matter-of-factly.**

          Ash paused for a moment. How _had_ he expected Misty – or _anyone_ – to get pregnant? **"Well… I dunno, test-tubes?" he replied, lamely. ****"It's not as simple as sniffing a girl's butt, Pikachu." He told her, a little more sternly than he meant to. Pikachu frowned.**

          **"_[We do NOT just sniff each other's butt.]_" she growled suddenly, her tone giving a hint of taken offence.**** "_[It's a LOT more complex. The male is expected to prove that he can hunt and provide for his young, and the female is required to show that she can build a nest out of straw, grass, urine and bile-]_"**

**            "Ewww!"**

          Pikachu glared. **"_[At least we don't rely on getting people so drunk they can't think for themselves. Pokémon have honour.]_" she paused, ****"_[Except for Marowaks. Their idea of a mating process is to club the female to unconsciousness, and mate with her until she regains consciousness.]_"**

          Ash looked quite surprised. **"Okay, okay, so what do Pikachu do in this whole mating-thingy? Aside from the butt-sniffing and nest-building." he added as an afterthought.**

          **"_[Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, once the female has built her nest, the male must prove himself in both hunting and battle to protect his family. If he fails, or the female cannot either build a sufficient nest or give her mate cubs…]_" Pikachu trailed off, and Ash's interest was provoked further. ****"_[If either of them fail, they are torn to pieces by the rest of the pack, and used to feed cubs.]_" she said, with such an impossible air of simplicity around her voice. Ash could barely believe that his _own_ Pikachu knew this… He gulped and prepared to ask her, but she knew already. ****"_[No, Pikapi, I haven't torn a mate to pieces yet, because I haven't HAD a mate. My brother was, though. Well, he was killed fighting a Growlithe – if the Growlithe hadn't have finished him off, we would have.]_" **

          Ash was pale, and he swayed slightly as he sat himself up properly. **"Pikachu… you're kidding, your own brother was killed and you don't care?" He found it difficult to comprehend that his cute, babyish little electric mouse could speak so easily about this. It wasn't exactly making him feel a whole lot better, either.**

          Pikachu shrugged, **"_[Of course I cared. __But he was weak. It's survival of the fittest. Of course, I was the one who let herself be captured by a human  – so if I__ return to my__ pack, I'll__ be ripped to pieces.]" she said, again, so matter-of-factly, that it shocked Ash. _****"_[But don't let it worry you, Pikapi. You aren't a Pokémon, so you'll be fine. Well, I say 'fine'… but you HAVE asked Misty to have your litter, so the odds are slightly against you.]"_**

**            "Thanks," Ash muttered, ****"you always know _just_ what to say to me…"**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          Ash closed the front door behind himself with his foot, before padding his way through into the living room where Misty was perched on the couch. And being glomped by Pikachu and glowered at by Chikorita. **"How are you?" he asked softly, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from her and promptly being glomped himself by Chikorita. **

          She shrugged, **"I'm fine…" she said, before her face took on a hesitant expression, ****"Are you… okay?" she asked. She winced when he replied.**

          **"Yeah, I'm fine"** Pikachu caught his eye. **"…all things considered."** he added hastily, raking a hand through his hair and catching Pikachu's approving amber gaze slyly. 

          And cue the awkward silence – something that didn't usually happen between them, and hardly ever happened in any of Ash's conversations. The clock on the wall began to tick louder, and when he realised that he was sitting too far back on his cushion and sinking down behind the couch, he suddenly felt stuck, and as if he was trapped in quicksand. And the ticking of the clock grew louder; he could hear Pikachu scratching herself in startling accuracy…

          And it was driving him crazy.

**            "Misty – um-"**

**            "Ash, I-er…" Both of them blushed slightly, and Misty laughed nervously. ****"I, er, um… I mean, um… I sorta got a book out of the library…" she said, fumbling for her words slightly, before she dropped a large, hard-backed book straight into Ash's lap… the spine landing right where it hurts. Ash squawked, his eyes crossed, he bent forward, his hands flew to in between his legs and for the next five minutes, his voice reached notes he hadn't hit since he was fourteen. Misty panicked, apologised profusely, and promised Ash a large ice cream later on… if he was still allowed to eat it, that was. Ash nodded eagerly – almost _too_ eagerly – before hauling the bright yellow edition of "The Dummy's Guide to Conception" off of the floor and plonked it in between him and Misty, regarding it much like one would a hissing Arbok. With _extreme_ caution. **

          **"Research?" he trilled, raising a questioning eyebrow at her, and watched her nodding. ****"How come? What's there to research about conception?" he asked.**

          Misty shifted uncomfortably on her seat, avoiding his questioning, penetrating gaze. **"Um… how _exactly_ were you planning to… you know?" she queried awkwardly.**

          Ash blinked. **"Um, the usual way?" he shrilled. Misty's face reddened and he cringed, keeping both hands firmly in a protective position. He was _not_ intending on becoming the latest soprano for the Kanto Opera Society.**

          **"I am not – not _ever_ – _EVER_ going to sleep with you!" she spluttered, her face now the colour of her hair, and her hands balled up into fists. Ash barricaded himself with a _large_ cushion. ****"Ever!" she reaffirmed.**

          **"But Misty-"**

**            "No!"**

**            "But-"**

**            "NO!"**

**            "Well what great ideas do you have, Einstein?" he retorted, his face rapidly matching the colour of hers. She grabbed the book as a reply, and Ash grabbed another cushion, as well as Pikachu and piled them all up on his lap. However, she didn't attack him with the book; she flicked the cover open and turned to a page marked with a large, glittery Horsea bookmark. Page marked? "_Is Your Man Missing the Target?_" ****"Hey!" Ash yelled, ****"I am NOT missing ANY target! I am _perfectly_ healthy, thank you very much-" And he stopped himself, because Misty dissolved into tears, and began wailing about how brave he was, and threw herself to him for a hug. ****"Okay… okay, c'mon, Misty, don't cry…" he turned to Pikachu. ****"Pikachu, help me out – I don't know what to _do_ when girls cry like this!"**

          **"_[That's because you're an insensitive male. Just be supportive!]_" she ordered, and Ash nodded.**

          **"Okay, supportive, I can do that… I think." He patted her back awkwardly, ****"Um, there, there? Misty, quit crying – I'm not going anywhere!" Of course, that made it even worse. Pikachu sighed, and simply crossed her paws and waited.**

          And twenty minutes later, Ash had a soaking shirt, and Misty was hiccupping, but not crying.** "Are you okay now?" Ash asked sympathetically, but with a feeling in his gut that he was the biggest, lousiest, most **

flea-ridden Rattata on the planet. Misty nodded. **"'kay… so… what _are_ your other ideas?" he enquired.**

          Sniffling, she turned to the following page, where a large diagram was displayed, along with directions and bullet points. **"That one?" she said, pointing a perfectly manicured nail at the diagram. Ash blinked, because the 'apparatus' looked remarkably familiar-**

          **"Hey, my mom has one of those!" he exclaimed, studying the picture closer, before his eyes flicked over the page to the little description of what it actually was. ****"A tur… You must be joking!" he declared, but Misty folded her arms.**

          **"Well, the other methods involved needles, so if you were thinking of one of those, you can sod off."**

          Ash facefaulted. **"But – honestly, Misty – you can't – I mean – how do you – I mean - _ewww_!" he stammered, waggling his hands in the air as protest.**

          She reached into her handbag, withdrew a plastic shopping bag, and tossed it into his lap. Peering inside, Ash saw that she was deadly serious. Sweatdropping, Ash unwrapped it from it's packaging, turning it over a few times in his hands. **"Um, Misty? Exactly _how_… is this going to work?" he asked warily, and his danger sense began to shriek in his brain when she gave him a sly little smile.**

          **"How else is it going to work? Turn the page." she ordered playfully. Pikachu shepherded Togepi and Chikorita – both observing with rapt attention – into the kitchen, just in time to protect Chikorita's innocent ears from Ash's rather… *a-hem* uncouth outburst. Pikachu left the door ajar just enough to watch Misty swing a blue mallet at Ash hard enough to make him dizzy, then apologize, glomp and promise him as much peach ice-cream as possible.**

          Ash wasn't _that_ dizzy he refused. Pikachu heard him asking for banana-flavoured cookies on top.

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

The phone rang irritably three times before the answering machine picked up.

**            "Brock? Are you there? It's, er… Ash. Um, can you call me back or e-mail me or something? I sorta need to borrow a magazine…"**

          The phone hung up.

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

~tsuzuku~

          [A/N] Mwa-ha-haaaa! Hands up all y'all who thought that I was going to make them do it? Nyaaaaaa, I laugh at you. Shouldn't make predictions when you're betting on a psychopath like me! 'Sides, it's _so_ much more fun to do it _this_ way… right? ^_~

Okay, this is done. Thank GOD. Been on my mind for WEEKS, and I've gone and done what I always do and planned out the end and haven't even STARTED on the middle. My mind is a cow, ne? This fic WILL kill me. I swear it. I'll probably get found comatose on my keyboard with the epilogue on screen. ^_^

Anyhoo… English coursework – I'm on the LAST one! And it's Creative Writing! Whoo-hoo! I'm going to fix it so I can upload it as a fic later in the year. Something like that, anyway. Almost finished all my coursework now, so I can work on fics until, um, whenever the GCSEs are. Then after that, I'm free! Until 6th form. Bleh. AS and A2 levels here I come… Deliberately picked English Language AS cuz the coursework is fics. ^_^ Spanish A2 because it's fun, Government and Politics, Law as A2, and European Studies as AS. ^_^ Get to go to Norway with that!

          Review? Please? Or I'll cry and go on strike. No, really, I will… one day. Dare you all to push this fic to 100 reviews. Go on. Be a psycho!

          ^_^

          ~Kaz-Ohki

          xxx

          PS – I've seen Harry Potter 4 times and Oliver Wood gets sexier each time. Ditto Ron, Fred and George. And possibly Harry. Found myself staring at James Potter for an unnatural period of time, too… Should he _really_ look that old if he was only in his twenties when he snuffed it? Or was the Mirror of Erised showing what he'd look like _now_? -.-'

          PPS – Sorry this was so short – next part will be longer, I promise!

          PPS – I warned you about the long note at the end – now go forth and review!


	6. 10...

Aloha hoshi-tachi!

Part 6! Wheeee! Moose ferrets! Disclaimer first, then little info-type bit.

Pokémon belongs to me. Well, it will when I storm 4KIDS HQ armed with my dog, a KFC Twister and a spork. They didn't know how Ash got Noctowl. They must pay.

Right. Weird bit. Couple of people think Ash is OOC and basically isn't that type of guy to do this. Just my little reply thing here – **_I_ don't think he is either, but this was the challenge I got stuck with, so… I dunno, just go with the flow? And blame Riny. All her fault. ::throws an egg at her:: Pokémon Liiiiive! THE TICKETS!!!! Roll on October 23!**

^_^

Theme song: "I Hope You Die" – Bloodhound Gang. 

Obvious reasons. 

Read on, brave comrade. There's only about fifteen (thousand) more parts to go… oy vey…

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ 

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**:: 6 ::**

          **"I'm _really_ getting second thoughts about this, Misty."** Ash was saying through the bathroom door. **"I am _really_ thinking about changing my mind."**

          He heard her cluck her tongue agitatedly outside the door. **"Ash, do you want a baby or not?"** she asked, and he could hear the annoyance in her voice. 

          He sighed. **"Well, yeah."** he replied, adding silently 'when I'm thirty'. But Pikachu wasn't in the room, and regardless of how much she wanted that cashmere basket, or that nice gold-plated water bowl, Ash did _not_ want to do this at the moment. Ash didn't even want kids! Not yet, anyhow. Heck, when it boiled down to it, Ash was _really_ close to calling up Evil Lawyer Woman and telling her to stick the money where Sunflora don't grow. It was so like an anime it wasn't funny – sitting holed up in the bathroom with Brock's choice of best magazines for 'beginners'. **"Someday."** he told her, cringing when he heard a curious 'Pika' outside the door.

          **"What do you mean by 'someday', Ash Ketchum? You don't _have_ a 'someday', according to your medical. Now do you want this baby or not, because if not-"** She left the threat open before Ash heard her sniffle and Pikachu coo 'sympathetically'. Little creep. Ash blinked, before standing up from where he was perched on the edge of the bathtub, trembling slightly when the open window let an early-January breeze into the room and down his neck.

          **"What's with you suddenly wanting a baby anyway? Last time we discussed it, you tried to castrate me with your shoe."**

          She didn't reply for a moment, and Ash nervously fiddled with the alien, plastic object that was balanced next to him, in the soap groove on the side of the bath, and cast one brown eye towards the white polystyrene cup next to his foot. **"Well… things have changed now, haven't they?"** she replied quietly, almost too quietly that Ash didn't hear. **"That time you asked me… you weren't going to die."** Great. Now Ash felt even lower and basically wished that a huge sliming swamp monster would drag him down the plughole. She thought he was going to die, and he wanted his inheritance. Priorities, priorities…

          Still, Misty was always the one who wanted two-point-four children before she was thirty, not him. She was the one who wanted to be married with a family, while he was content to be single as long as possible before he became desperate. So, if he told her that it _was_ a whole, big, bordering on the just downright plain malicious, bluff, maybe she wouldn't shove his head so far down the toilet he'd need a plumber. Nor would he need a doctor to surgically remove one large turkey-basting utensil from his backside. Oh, who was he _kidding_? She wouldn't just put his head down the toilet – the rest of him would follow through and end up in a septic tank somewhere in Goldenrod. 

          Maybe it would be nice to have a family, though… someday… okay, this was getting was too confusing and psychotic for him, but in the cold bathroom, Ash suddenly had visions of his own 3-on-3 personal basketball team. All wearing blue vests emblazoned with a large Pikachu. Even so, he still couldn't shake the fact and feeling that he _was_ the biggest rat on the planet. Even worse than, well, anyone. If he grew a mass of purple and white fur, a stringy tail and two large, front teeth, he wouldn't be surprised. In fact, he'd deserve it. He couldn't make up his mind on his priorities. On one hand, he had the prospect of a baby, something that, well, it would be pretty cool, and he had to admit it, even if that reasoning was flippant but… damn, this bathroom was cold… And with the baby came ¥500,000,000 – something that even as the Pokémon Master, he'd have a hard time getting his hands on. True, he'd agreed to split fifty-fifty with Misty, but even half that would take ages for him to make.

          On his other hand, however, he, well, basically didn't, but kept his scruples, and if he told Misty now, Pikachu would never let him hear the end of it. She'd gotten herself excited about the fact she'd be a big-sister type, and not to mention the fact that she'd gotten a catalogue for outrageous Pokémon accessories from Snubble and now wanted that fluffy pink cashmere basket, a jewelled fur comb and an obscene, DNKY-jacket. In fluffy pink, with cerise tinselly-fluff trim. And she was expecting them for her birthday. So if Pikachu didn't get them, he could be the first human battery. No, seriously, he could. And he'd have his very own page in the record books. Ash Ketchum – youngest Pokémon Master, three times winner of the Johto Bug-catching contest, first human to have a turkey basting thingy successfully removed from his back-passage, first human battery due to Pokémon intervention. Wail.

          **"This is degrading, you know."** he told Misty through the door, now tossing the alien utensil in his hands. 

          Misty made a growling noise, or maybe that was Pikachu. **"_[Look, jackass, you're the one who wants a litter, so either get to it or I'll make you do it. I want that basket.]_"** she snapped. Ash grinned at the mention of the basket. 

          **"Ooh, looks like it's someone's time of the month,"** he said, sneeringly, **"We'll have to take you to Nurse Joy for another check up, huh Pik?"**

          Silence. Ash grinned. Until Misty yelled through, **"Ash, either hurry up or this will have to wait until _next_ month, and by then, I might have regained my sanity."**

          Ash made a resigning noise in the back of his throat. **"Ugh, all right, all right… just, I dunno, go away or something, will ya?"** He heard fading footsteps, before picking up the paper cup, flicking to page three of the magazine at the top of the pile, and turned bright red. **"Oh dear God…"**

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

          Exactly fifteen days, eleven attempts, three hours, twenty-two minutes, and eleven seconds later and counting, Ash was sitting downstairs flicking through the January/February issue of a 'decent' sports magazine which described in full detail the 4-4-2 football set-up for thick people, when he heard the upstairs bathroom door being unlocked and opened, followed by footsteps padding softly down the stairs. He stood up and looked quizzically to where Misty was standing in the doorway clutching a hot-water bottle to her stomach. She shook her head no, and he flopped back down. **"Why won't it work?"** he muttered, more to himself than her.

          **"I dunno,"** she answered absently, settling on the couch next to him and drawing her feet up beneath her. **"The book said this was the best chance we have, so..."** she paused, then gave a weak smile. **"Have to keep trying, right?"**

          Ash pulled a face, and, pouting, reached for the remote. **"Yeah, I guess..." **he muttered, before flicking from Cartoon Network and a large ape kicking ten out of various diddy humans to the Discovery Channel.

          And in the style of that song we know and love, it was a nature show. Cue David Attenborough talking about _more_ monkeys doing, well, exactly what the aforementioned song was about, while the viewers were treated to the entire visual picture on screen. Dear Mr. Attenborough was talking about monkeys and their 'relationship habits', while the monkeys on screen weren't too fussed about their habits and just focused on their relationships. Ash averted his eyes and felt a very heated flush track across his cheeks when he heard Misty shifting awkwardly on the couch. **"Did you check the book?"** he asked, trying to turn his head to face her without looking at the TV screen, almost snapping his neck in the process and quickly swinging his head the other way to where a "Clear Blue" commercial was now playing. He glared side-long at the TV.

          **"Yup,"** she replied, releasing her hair out of her bobble and plaiting it absent-mindedly, **"But short of hanging upside down for a week, there's nothing else I can do."**

          **"You mean you haven't tried it already?"**

**            "Funny guy."**

He grinned and kicked his feet up onto the table in front of them. **"I try."  
            "Try harder."**

          His foot fell and put the table through.

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

          And so, in mid-February, Ash came home, and, instead of seeing her familiar, carrot-coloured head just above the top of the couch, he saw her long legs hooked over the top, swinging slightly, and adorned with the most bonkers bunny slippers Ash had ever seen in his life. Even more bizarre, when he peered around the couch, she was resting her head – upside down – on a cushion on the floor, and reading a random book. Upside down. **"Um…"** he began, but when she tilted her head awkwardly to see him, he quickly shook off his surprise. **"Misty, what in hell are you doing?"** he blurted out, then cringed when she frowned, although from where he could see, it looked like a sick smile on an abstract.

          **"Well, I checked the book, and…"** she grimaced slightly, **"You were right."** she muttered quietly. Ash grinned.

          **"Sorry, what was that? I didn't heeear yooooou…"** he said, singsong. Misty growled, flipped herself upright on the couch and launched a cushion at his head. It hit dead on target, but didn't smack the smirk off of his face. **"So anyway,"** he said breezily, as though cushions being slugged in his face was a regular occurrence, **"Whatcha been doing?"** He flopped onto the couch next to her, swiping the remote from where it was next to her, and quirked an eyebrow as he watched her awkwardly rearrange herself to hang upside down again. 

          She gave him a look, though, being upside-down, it wasn't as effective. **"Hanging upside down, probably giving myself a blood-clot and trying to get myself pregnant. Gee, how about you?"** He pulled his eyelid down and stuck out his tongue. She sighed and pulled herself upright, wincing when blood rushed from her head and flopped down next to him, her head against his leg. **"How _are_ you feeling?"** she asked softly, staring up at his eyes with hers, but not noticing how pale he suddenly went. 

          **"Ehe… not too bad today,"** he bluffed, feeling above his knee burn where she touched him. His mouth tasted bitter.

          He was _not_ a liar.

          Well, not usually.

          Damn it, why couldn't she be one of those women who got pregnant first time? At least by now he could have told her… and been brutally murdered in his sleep and had to have had dental records to identify him as his face would have been so disfigured, with his eyes being fed to a flock of Mareep…

          Meh. By the end of this, the money he would get would end up paying for extensive plastic surgery to repair his face.

          And certain other parts. 

Oh boy.

          He shrugged, **"I feel the same as I did yesterday."** He hoped she would drop the subject; she did, and turned herself back upside down. 

          **"Oh, just so you know? I think Chikorita's on heat – she was all over your laundry this morning." she said, flicking through channels until some random soap opera came on, and she let the remote fall to the floor.**

          Ash winced. After the _last_ time Chikorita did that… it wasn't pretty. **"Alright…" he muttered, heading upstairs to where Chikorita was currently purring in a pair of his socks and boxers.**

          **"Oh – and Ash? Next Monday, I have to go to Indigo Plateau – can I get a lift from you?" Misty called after him.**

          **"Yeah… yeah…" he replied, before attempting to retrieve his clothes with a coat hanger, a chocolate bar and the promise of a hug.**

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

          So, on the said Monday, Ash drove from Pallet Town to Cerulean, back towards Viridian and through to Indigo Plateau, stopping at four different McDonalds because each time he bought something, Misty decided to throw up out of the car window, then ate his food herself. **"Okay,"** he said, after his third Egg McMuffin was vomited over, **"have you been eating peppers?"** She shook her head. **"Carrots? Bugs?"** The face she pulled made him wince and order her to hang out of the window. **"You sure Daisy or someone didn't slip one by accident?"**

**            "They're not allowed in the Gym."** Misty replied, **"Along with normal milk, anything that's not low-fat, anything that doesn't contain Soya, anything that's not organic, anything chocolate, anything remotely sugary, sugar, cream, aerosol cream, non-low-fat ice-cream, pancake syrup, dresses that are two sizes too short and pictures of Brad Pitt."**

Ash raised an eyebrow. **"Brad Pitt?" **he asked, wondering where he fitted in with the Sensational Sister's diets.

          Misty nodded. **"Cos he got married, Violet gets depressed and eats ice-cream for three days straight, watching Meet Joe Black on loop."**

**            "Ah."**

          At the next McDonalds, Misty decided to throw up over coffee, a chocolate donut and hash browns. Ash sighed in despair. **"Okay, you must have a really bad bug or something."** he told her, trying to balance a hot cup and his fourth muffin between his legs and drive at the same time.

          **"I'm fine."** she replied, and then pointed at his donut. **"…Are you going to eat that?"**

          He frowned.** "Yes."** He bit it to prove his point, and then stuck his tongue out. **"You should be full after the stuff you've had." **he remarked, somewhat irritably, then sighed when he watched her bring up the last muffin she'd eaten over the motorway tarmac. **"Or maybe not. When we get there, you should ask Joy to check you out."**

**            "I _know_ what's wrong with me!"**

**            "…Food poisoning?" **he asked, now trying to divide his concentration on the road and eating before he fainted at the wheel.

          Misty sighed, swallowing another ball of sick in her throat. **"No… you won't even guess for another nine months anyway, dummy." **she muttered, more to herself than to Ash, who just shook his head, swallowed, and put his foot down, ignoring various beeps from cars he cut off, and the fact that Misty was now green, and, ten minutes later, he swerved into his parking space, narrowly missing a nun, a goat and a walkin', talkin' pig, and ran to his office, five minutes late.

          Not half an hour had passed, when Brock decided to charge into the room, clutching at a stitch in his side and a brown envelope. **"Ash… you… know… Misty… where?"** he panted.

Ash blinked. **"Um, she didn't say… she's around here somewhere, though."** He answered, flicking his pen against a piece of paper. Brock shook his head almost desperately.

**"No… not… point. She- She's"** he stopped and began to breathe, rubbing a flushed cheek awkwardly. **"She's… She's in a meeting with Lance about maternity leave. She knows the due date and everything."**

Ash felt his jaw drop. **"She's _pregnant_?!"** he gasped, and felt his own breathing become suddenly very restricted. **"Are you _serious_?"**

**"Mmm. Couldn't you tell? She's been yakking up all morning."** Ash frowned.

**"I thought she was just sick…"** he murmured, suddenly feeling everything overwhelm him at once, and feeling sick himself.

Brock shrugged, **"She was. Morning sickness. Anyway – I was trying to say that that's not all she was going to ask Lance about."** Ash looked at him warily. **"Well – Tracey and I _did_ warn you… she's asking Lance about if she could pass the Gym over to her sisters when you croak it cos of the baby. SO, that means that, cos Lance helped you with that – and you know that he can't even keep a straight face at a funeral – he's going to crack up. And – where are you going?!"** he yelped, as Ash charged past him, skidded into the corridor, crashed into the wall and ran for the stairs. 

Brock peered around the door. **"So I take it you don't need this magazine?"** he yelled, waving the brown envelope frantically.

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

Ash had never run so fast in his life, nor had he tripped over so many oddly placed cactus plants. Lance's office was right on the top floor, and rather than wait for the lift, because Ash never did things the easy way, he was charging up stairs three-at-a-time, at breakneck speed, and trying to avoid people, trainers and Pokémon. He _had_ to get there in time… she'd never forgive him if he didn't. Or rather, she'd never know if he did, and then he could tell her himself. 

Preferably while she was still in a labour-drug haze and was trying to name their baby something like Bedpost. 

_Their_ baby? Whoa, that SO sounded strange… 

…She was pregnant… _she_ was having a _baby_… and _he_ was the father. 

He slowed to a fatal pause on the third to last floor. **"…I'm going to be a daddy,"** he murmured, suddenly feeling faint as he said the words for the first time. _…I'm going to have a baby…! Yipe!_

**"'Scuse please."** A mail clerk pushed past him with a trolley, waking him up slightly. And then Ash realised where he was, what he was doing, and what needed to be done to ensure that he wouldn't be the daddy of just _one_ baby. He started abruptly, then clattered his way up the stairs, four-at-a-time, tried not to break his ankle as he swerved around a bend in the staircase, ran past a bunch of offices on the next floor up, knocked over a trolley that _was_ full of papers but now all those papers were flying about in Ash's wake as he charged towards the stairs like a wild, untamed Tauros chasing a red thing, because unless he shut Lance up _quickly_, the Dragon Master would all but sign his protégé's death warrant. Tripping over his shoes, Ash ran past Lance's Twinkie secretary, who probably only got the job for two, very difficult to miss, reasons, and crashed straight into the door. 

**"Owww…"** he whined, rubbing his nose sulkily and glaring at the Ash-shaped dent in Lance's heavy oak door. He shook his head like a dog, then reached out for the handle…

…which was twisted around before he had the chance. _Oh God_, he thought, when he met her icy blue eyes with his warmer, brown ones. He felt sick. Really… _Really_ sick. He felt like he had to say a million things at once, but they were all trying to get out of his mouth at the same time – apologies, begging, pleading… all in together, and trying to get out of his mouth in one breath. Her expression was blank, orange hair pooling around her shoulders, lips pursed. Lance hovered behind her, trying to watch the confrontation, still chuckling every-so-often.

**"Um… Misty--" **was all he managed to say before a bolt of pain shot up from between his legs, blocked out all else except an impact on his head, and when he finally got his wits back about him, he was down on the floor, he couldn't walk, found his voice three octaves higher than normal, and had a pot of Lance's prize Bonsai trees smashed and scattered about his head, with miniature branches and leaves stuck in his messy hair. Lance was sobbing over a pile of roots, with his crimson spikes flopping over his head as though mourning for the chibi trees themselves. Struggling to his feet, Ash hobbled gingerly down past the Twinkie towards the lift. Misty was gone, so for once, he'd take the easy route and meet her at the bottom. Of course, it was Murphy's Law. The lift was on the ground floor. Ash was currently on the ninety-ninth. If Misty had _gotten_ the lift down… he was dead. So, he had to hop down one hundred-odd flights of stairs. 

Oh, sod it.

He sat gingerly on the banister and slid down, ignoring the disapproving glare from Agatha as he passed her on the stairs. 

98…

97…

96…

At the ninetieth floor, he gave up, stopped the lift in its fast-paced tracks, and pressed the button for the ground floor.

It went up, responding to his former call back on Lance's floor. Squeaking in frustration, he hammered at the button for the ground floor, and prayed that nobody needed the lift on other floors. 

Half an hour, forty people, a clown, and three Nurse Joys later, Ash _finally_ reached the ground floor, looked desperately around, didn't see her, then checked his car – well, she _might_ be waiting there. Or causing irreparable damage to it. 

But she was neither. Dejectedly, he walked back inside, after checking for any kind of note she might have left, and slumped against the wall. **"She got the subway,"** Brock said, startling Ash out of his reverie, leaning next to him on the wall. **"I think she's pissed at you. Didn't you tell Lance in time?"** Ash's silence was the only answer he got. **"Ah. Well, erm… she'll forgive you… eventually. She's not the type to hold a grudge, you know."** Ash scoffed, muttered "bike", and rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. **"Mm. Yeah. Bike. Well… I told you to get her drunk. Okay, okay, no need to glare at me. Just… Ash, I suggest you go home and sleep."** he advised. Ash looked up at him through exhausted eyes.

**"Why? Because she cracked my head open with Lance's tree?" he spat tiredly. **

Brock shook his head.

**"Nope. Because you have nine months of extreme kissing-up to do."**

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

tsuzuku

^^

          I'm well aware of the crapness of this part, but will try to make next parts better. This was actually written as therapy, because I fluffed up my Spanish Oral exam, so be nice in tus reviews.

          ^_^

          Ja mata né!

          ~Kaz

          xxx


	7. Singalong in a storm (AKA: Why Kaz hates...

Oki-day.

Part 7.

Wow, I'm on a roll… Anyway. Um. I have no idea what to say. GCSEs suck? That'll do.

Disclaimer: Pokémon, all respective characters, monsters and significant others are property of rich Japanese blokes. As Kaz is female, not exactly rich, lives in Liverpool and is of Irish descent… it's not her.

:P

Theme Song: "This I Promise You" ~ *NSYNC

You'll understand in about 2,860 words…

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ 

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

**:: 7 ::**

          Ash swore as the seemingly personalized voicemail message told him, in no polite ways, where to stick his phone and never to call back, and hung up. Ash punctuated his latest curse by angrily chucking his phone across his office and cracking it irreparably against the wall. Not that he cared. It was old and out of date and he had much, _much_ worse things to worry about. Muttering a string of curses, he aimed a kick at the wastepaper basket near his foot and sulkily crossed his legs on top of his desk, making as much noise as possible. Tracey, carefully sketching a perfectly posing Pikachu, raised an eyebrow. **"Stressed?"** he quipped, finishing the shading on Pikachu's small nose and flipping his sketchpad closed. Ash shot him a daggered glare. **"Well-"**

**            "_Don't you dare…"_ **Ash warned, rubbing his nose angrily and shaking his fringe out of his eyes. Tracey didn't dare. Pikachu did.

          **"_[We told you so.]_"** she chirped. Ash glowered, and made a mental note that next time he had an urge to throw something, to be conveniently near ketchup and a window.

          Since what happened upstairs – exactly nine days, three hours and fifty-three minutes ago, she had blocked all of his calls, stopped any e-mail of his getting through, ordered Lily, Daisy and Violet not to let him either into the Cerulean Gym or call her, regardless of importance and ignored any messages that Ash had asked other people to pass on. It was weird – he'd expected anger and violence and more of Lance's trees on his head, but she was seriously, _seriously_ pissed – the last time she'd ignored him was when, aged fifteen, he'd stolen all of her clothes while she was in the shower as an April Fool's, ran upstairs to the roof of the Pokémon Centre they were staying in, and raised them all above the flagpole. And even then, she'd ended up resorting to regular violence as revenge, with a now Brock-clothed Misty tying him by the feet to said flagpole and enlisting Bulbasaur to raise him above the tiny Johto village, and then took a photograph of Ash-the-flag and sent it to his mother, with the letter "Dear Mom – have decided to give up Pokémon training – I find I'm a much better public servant instead."

          The ignoring came afterwards, for three weeks, until they were in the right place, at the right time, and the fair had come to town. He had to win her three stuffed Tentacool to even get a facial reaction.

          Oh, he was feeling guilty _now_, because, just like Tracey had lectured him about where his morals and stuff had gone, you shouldn't do that to a friend. Of course he was _guilty_, but then, why should he take all of the blame? Brock had egged him on, Lance had written the damned letter, and _she_ was the one who agreed! And it wasn't _his_ fault that his aunt had to go and croak it. So who took the blame? Maybe his attempts were a little… unorthodox, but it wasn't his fault to begin with. When it all boiled down to it, he found only one person to blame.

          And it was _not_ himself… he just couldn't think of a random name at present. It was his own fault for being a Ketchum – well, that was just dandy. So, tracing back the line of Ketchums he knew and could blame (that did not include his mother, although she _could_ have been more careful…), he came up with two.

          His great-great-great-great (trace back about ninety generations and you're almost there) grandfather and grandmother…

          …or himself. For not running off and marrying some feminist who claimed that him trying to impose his surname on her was sexist and a travesty of justice, and that he should take hers instead. Wait, did that mean it was his mother's fault?

          Tracey interrupted his little self-loathing (and pinning the blame) introspection. **"Um… Ash? What do you think she's going to do now?"**

Ash shrugged. **"Dunno. Ignore me for the rest of my life?" **Tracey shrugged. 

          **"Probably. And she'll probably turn your name to mud, burn effigies of you outside the Cerulean Gym, turn all of her Pokémon against you and teach them to bite you in the crotch at first sight."**

**            "You've been speaking to her?"**

**            "If you can call the three brief sentences in between 'I'm going to kill that-'"** Tracey coughed politely, **"then yes, I have been speaking to her. At great length."** He shook his head. **"I _did_-"**

**            "Don't_._"**

Shrugging, Tracey scratched his head. **"She's really pissed at you, y'know… and… I think she's pretty hurt, too,"** he said, quietly, before trying to bend a pencil around his fingers.

          Ash looked puzzled. **"Hurt? Why's she hurt? _She_ didn't have a forest dumped on her head."**

          **"Not _that_ type of hurt. Hurt as in, y'know, angry-hurt."** Ash's blank look could have beaten Psyduck's. **"Okay, you upset her. Cos she told you that she wouldn't and she's angry about the fact that you tricked her into it."** Tracey sighed. **"And cos you were supposed to be her best friend, it's even worse. And cos you lied to her, and cos you got Lance to lie to her, and because to Lance it was all a big joke and… well, you get the point. She's pissed."**

Ash bit his lip and frowned. **"But I _said_ I was sorry! I'm currently Interflora's number one customer cos I'm sorry! I can't exactly do much else if she won't even talk to me on the phone, never mind answer my e-mail!"**

Tracey paused, then folded his arms. **"Sometimes… these things are better direct." **he said, watching Ash's face twist into one of incomprehension, and then sighed, before telling Ash exactly what to do.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          Lily took one look at the familiar jacketed guy who had just crept into the gym, and released an extremely pissed-off Dewgong. Well, next time you're in the middle of Resting, how would you like to be dumped on the floor? **"Like, she doesn't want to see you, Ash. Can't you like, get the message?" **The guy didn't answer, instead, winter-gloved hands still covering his hooded face, and crept towards the main doors to the left of the reception desk that was covered in various displays of flowers, from roses and lilies to huge big exotic things that tried to bite the heads of three rookies earlier that morning. Lily frowned, **"Like, didn't you hear me? I _said_ she doesn't want to see you!" **She stepped over to block the doors, grabbed the guy's hood and yanked it down.

          And screamed.

          Daisy was next in, finding her triplet cowering in the corner, pointing shakily at a pile of fabric and trembling. **"Like, what's the _problem_?" **she drawled to her sister, who began stammering as a dark shadow began rising, as if on cue, behind Daisy. 

          And then Daisy screamed.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          From his position halfway up a tree outside the Gym, Ash made frantic gestures to where Noctowl was sitting in a tree opposite, while trying to shin his way up to the next branch without losing an eye. He sighed disgustedly to himself. **"I can't believe I'm twenty-four and climbing trees to a girl's window… S'like out of a crappy romance or something…" he muttered, wincing suddenly as a bare winter branch tried to make its way up his left nostril. If he was right – which wasn't often, he noted dejectedly, Misty's window was right above this tree. A third set of screaming diverted his attention, and he grinned, gripping tightly to the tree trunk with one arm, and recalling Noctowl with the other. The light in the window above him clicked on, and he saw a shadow moving across the ceiling, the door opening and then closing. All he had to do _now_, was…**

          Get to the top of this damned tree. 

          Which, surprisingly, he did with ease, although not without scratches and a very inquisitive twig trying to go places no other twig had gone before. Ash hid just below the window, and peeked through. She was still gone, and it was definitely her room. Aside from the obvious sign – a large Togetic sitting on the blue-covered bed in the middle of the room, there was a dartboard with a magazine cutout of him attached – and with darts firmly lodged in his nose. A few Tentacool plushies were dotted about, and a large box of chocolates were balanced on her pillow, next to a remote control. Shadows from a TV set blared in the light. He chuckled. This was almost _too_ easy. Reaching out, he felt down the sides of the window, and tried to force it open with his fingernails. She'd always had a habit of sleeping with the window open – even just a bit, so maybe…

          Kuso. She'd locked it. He scrabbled his fingers around the ledge looking for another way in, failed, and flopped back onto the branch.          Which broke. Shrieking like a girl, he grabbed onto the branch above, clung to it like a sloth and watched the offending branch flap about in the wind brokenly until it fell off and was tousled down the garden. Slightly worried, because he was a Pokémon Master and didn't get worried by climbing a tree in the middle of a storm; he looked back at the window, and realized that he was in full view. So if she came back, he was pretty much screwed.

          So he had to get inside ASAP. Beckoning Noctowl over with his left arm, and waiting until Noctowl perched elegantly on his outstretched forearm, he asked the owl-like Pokémon to 'do something psychic' to open the window.

          Closing his eyes, Ash heard the humming of kinesis over the quickly increasing wind, and felt the deep sound rattle through his body, through his bones, and through the branch he was perched precariously on a la Ranma. He heard the rattling of Misty's bedroom window, and winced as he felt Noctowl's sharp talons dig into the flesh of his forearm as the Pokémon increased his concentration. The sound of glass scraping mixed with the sound of crashing winds; frantic branches mixed with Noctowl's concentrated growl. 

          Then silence. Meekly, Ash opened one eye, then the other.

          **"Noctowl… can't you do it?" he asked, on seeing that Misty's glass window was perfectly in place. Noctowl cooed angrily, ruffled his feathers and turned his head away. Puzzled, Ash blinked, and then returned his gaze to the window. **

          Which now had a huge, thumping great crack down the middle. **"Oh _noooooooo_…" The glass split a little way again, making four perfect squares in the pane, which split into more little squares, and again, and again, until the clear glass turned to a greenish opaque with the cracks in the glass, and then…**

          …collapsed in on itself, shattering inside the Gym, scaring Togetic into making frightened **"tic! Tic!" noises and the door to the bedroom swinging open, revealing four Cerulean Gym leaders, each armed with baseball bats. Ash cowered under his hands, and tried to make himself as inconspicuous as a human sitting on a winter tree branch right in front of a window can be. He didn't hear anything for a moment, and he assumed that either they were searching the room, or staring at him. Just as he was about to confess, a high-pitched scream broke out.**

          **"Like, it's a ghost! We're haaaaaunteeeeed!" And Ash peeked through his hands to watch the older sisters run screaming. Fun. He watched Misty obsessively, cringing when she turned towards the window, and relaxing when she looked away. He watched her brow furrow in concentration as she tried to step barefooted over the glass by her window, and he tried to blend in with the tree as much as possible, including sticking one hand out to the side and stretching his fingers out to resemble twigs and branches, and twisting his other hand around and pressing it as much into the bark of the trunk as possible, silently praying that maybe his tanned skin was dark enough to blend in. When Misty stuck her head out of the window, he thought that the game was up. He really did. When she looked down from the window, then she looked up – straight at him. But maybe being pregnant had dulled her senses, because she looked left, and down, then back to him, then right, and down again. He watched her shrug her shoulders, still with a puzzled frown etched onto her face, and as she turned away, he let out a sigh of relief.        **

          Only it wasn't _exactly_ a sigh. More of a 'hoo' noise. A loud noise. And, of course (because Kaz ain't getting *nowhere* with Ash sitting off in a tree), it would be the exact moment the wind decided to drop.

          ^.~

          Very, _very_ slowly, Misty turned around. Her eyes bored holes through him, and he grinned and waved weakly. **"Um… nice night out here, huh?"**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          **"Aw, come on, are you going to make me sit out here all night?" whined Ash, still Ranma-sitting on the branch, glancing hopefully at the window, which was slowly and painstakingly being repaired, tiny-piece by tiny-piece by Togetic. **

          **"_I'm_ not making you do anything. You wanted to climb trees, Mankey-boy, you can stay in them." she replied haughtily, keeping her eyes on the TV and away from the billowing lilac curtain. **

Ash scowled at the curtain blocking his view of her. **"Are you still mad at me?" he asked, and then narrowly avoided the large, knee-high stiletto boot that was skilfully thrown at him. ****"Okay, so you are… are you _less_ mad at me? Misty?" He knelt up precariously on the branch. ****"Come on, you can't stay mad at me forever…"**

**"I can try."**

          **"Pleeeeeeease just _talk_ to me?" he wheedled, wrapping his arms around himself in the cold air. ****"Aw, c'mon, I'm freezing my ass off here!"**

          **"Good for you." she replied. ****"And no."**

          **"But-"**

**            "Go home, Ash."**

          Ash paused, thinking of the best counter he could use when she was in a mood like this. **"No." he blurted stoutly, widened his eyes at his foolishness, and cringed, awaiting the sudden pressure of something resembling a brick smashing into his head and the blissful feeling of unconsciousness. However, nothing happened, except Togetic fusing one tiny square of glass to the other. ****"Misty, I'm not leaving!" he yelled again, and peered at the window, hoping for any sign of life, even a particular fingered gesture. ****"Seriously, I'm not going! So… when did Togepi evolve?" He paused, scratching his head. ****"Some time last week? Oh, cool." All of a sudden, he realized how the concept of having a conversation with yourself could be so… _irritating_… ****"So anyway, how've you been? My mom reckons that she's got this herb growing in her garden that's good for… um… y'know… pregnant stuff. You want some?" He paused again, both to listen for any reaction and to think of some other random comments. ****"'Kay, I can pass it in tomorrow. Um… ah, the hell with this. Misty, either you let me in or I'm coming in." The threat was left hanging in the air until Misty effectively answered with a bunch of flowers to his face. ****"Heyyyy, so you _did_ get them! Did you like them?" Another bunch caught him in the chest. ****"Hey, come on. Quit throwing things at me and we can talk things out."**

**            Togetic shook his head slowly in response.**

          Ash scowled. **"Oh that's mature. Playing Chinese Whispers with Togetic. Y'know, I can't even be sure that you're up there!" he pushed, slowly standing up on the tree branch so that he could see everything in her room…**

          …and got a large Tentacool plushie in his face. **"Yeah," he agreed with himself, ****"really mature." He straightened himself up so that he could look as imposing as someone standing precariously on a tree-branch with a plushies-throwing pregnant psychopath after his blood could look. ****"Misty, I swear, if you don't talk to me, I'll…" He paused. What would be an appropriate threat? Bugs were a no-no. She'd kill him without batting an eyelid anyway. And carrots and peppers were both out of reach and hardly terrifying when just _there_ on their own… so… aside from snoring, what did she always try to stop him doing?**

          Drinking? Nah. Where would he get a bottle of tequila at the top of a tree? And besides, she'd probably find him falling drunkenly out of a tree funny.

          Dancing? Again, the point of dancing himself out of a tree?

          …singing?

          Bingo.

          **"Misty, if you don't talk to me, I'll sing!"**

          No reply, though Togetic, still fixing the window, looked mildly terrified.

          **"Don't believe me? Well…" he cleared his throat and quickly thought of the first song words that came to mind. ****"Um…" He cleared his throat again, and then sang. Completely off-key and out of tune, mind you, so it was a pretty damned good impression… ****"When the visions around yoooooou… bring tears to your eyes… and all that surrounds yoooooou… are secrets and liiiiiiiiiiies… I'll be your streeeength, I'll give you hoooooope…" Somewhere along the way, the entire feline population of Cerulean City decided to join Ash as a chorus line. ****"'Til the day my life is throooooough… this I promise yoooooou" And so it went on, for the next ten he could think of, including a rendition of "Tooku Made", "YMCA" (dance routines included) and, scarily, "Sakura Saku". And then, finally…**

          **"Aaargh, all _right_, all _right_! Just quit singing, damn you!"**

          Ash grinned.

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

          Okay, so he wasn't allowed past the window-ledge, in case he was needed (or ordered, kicked, etc. etc) to 'vacate' the room, but he could see her, and therefore, he knew that he'd at least get a warning should she decide to chuck stuff at him again. He felt very nervous. He could see in her eyes that she was angry – there was a blue fire he'd seen a lot burning, and her cheeks were pinker than usual, though… according to TV, that was a pregnant thing. Didn't girls always glow when they were knocked up? He wanted to say things to her, but whether to say that he was sorry first, or to ask how she was, or… what? **"Um…" Skilful opening, right? Be direct, but nice. Direct but nice, direct but nice, um… ****"So how long before you get fat?" A plant pot missed him by millimetres. ****"Waaaa, I'm sorry, um… I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, you're not fat, I meant, um… I'm sorry and I love you and pleeeease don't throw anything else at me!" he pleaded under his cowering hands. ****"Honest, I'm sorry, I never wanted you to find out like that, I just-"**

**            "Wanted to tell me once the baby was born before I could do anything about it?" she snapped, glowering at him angrily, fists clenched at her sides. She really was angry with him…**

          **"No, I just-" He paused as something she'd just said hit him. ****"…what do you mean, 'before you could do anything about it'? You're… you're not thinking of getting rid of it… are you?" He bit his lip. He couldn't let her… she couldn't… she _wouldn't_…**

          To his relief, she shook her head. **"No. It's not the baby's fault I was dumb enough to believe you." And that remark hurt, because she was his best friend.**

          **"Misty, I'm sorry, honest." He shook his head slightly. ****"I dunno, I just…" Okay, how did he put that he was after his inheritance in a nice way? ****"…are you still going to hit me?" he asked, flinching when she picked up a plushies from the floor and set it on her bed, before sitting next to it.**

          To his surprise, she shook her head. **"Nah." she said, but… she didn't sound so angry anymore. She sounded really upset…**

          Duh, clever, Ash, he told himself. She just found out you knocked her up on purpose, what's she gonna do, the Macarena? Course she's going to be upset. Jerk. He frowned sadly. He _was_ a jerk… **"Misty, I'm sorry," he said softly, cautiously approaching her and nervously sitting by her. ****"I know I'm a jerk, but I'm really sorry." He creased his brow in worry when she refused to meet his gaze; she was turned away from him, looking so small compared to him… and compared to the confidant impression she usually gave, but now she was almost cowering from him, hands firmly wrapped around her stomach and not speaking. Biting his lip, he tried to turn so he could catch her eye, but still keep sitting next to her. Kneeling was for pussies and romantics – not him. If she didn't look at him, she wouldn't believe him – that was what he reckoned. ****"Come on… can't we-"    **

          She swung around to face him, and he was stunned to see that she was _crying_... **"Don't you _dare_ say 'forget about it'!" she yelled, so forcefully that Ash instinctively raised his hands in both surrender and defence.**

          **"I wasn't going to," he replied. ****"Cos… well, you can't, can you?" He could feel a major migraine coming on, and buried his head in his hands, irritated. ****"I was going to say, 'can't we work something out?' cos I don't wanna be fighting all the time with you."**

**            "Then what _did_ you want?" she asked, and she was trying to put on a strong front, he knew, but that didn't veil the tears in her voice, and she wiped her face roughly.**

          He shook his head, **"I _dunno_! I… guess I didn't plan that far ahead or something." Which was true. But that didn't mean he couldn't start planning now… it was just a case of what to plan first.**

          She was shaking her head. **"What did you think people would think? That we were stupid and had some one-night stand and I got pregnant? Or that we were having some secret relationship? Cos the whole of Kanto seems to know that I'm single, you're single and there's no _way_ I can hide a baby." she told him, making a pointed gesture to her petite figure. Something she said had stuck a sudden chord in Ash, however, and it was taking him a while to think it through.**

          Nothing new there, then. And she'd turned her back on him and seemed to be willing Togetic to hurry up and repair the window so that she could shove him out of it. And then, as though something had finally knocked the missing cog in his brain into place, Ash had an idea.

          **"Say… Misty…?"**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

_(I was thinking of being really evil and leaving the part there, but FF.Net is down as I write this, and I have nothing else to do. ^^')_

          **"_WHAT_?!"**

          Togetic gave a worried glance to his perdy window and then another at mommy, who was currently defying all natural laws and making a chocolate box look extremely threatening. Ash had fallen off the bed with the force of her yell, and was cowering slightly from where she stood over him, making threatening gestures with an orange-crème thing. **"M-misty, come on, put the chocolate down…**

**            "Are you _nuts_?!" she yelled, stamping her foot, and rattling the half-completed windowpane dangerously.**

          Ash tried to pacify her, **"Mist, come on, we've done it before! In fact, you're there every weekend!" he stammered pathetically, keeping his eyes on her like a deer in the headlights, waiting for the familiar movement that came seconds before she knocked six dents into his head with her mallet. ****"Look, just trial it out! You never know _what_ might happen until you try!"**

          **"I'm not moving in with you, I'm not pretending to be your secret girlfriend, and you can go now." She pointed to the window to punctuate her sentence, and Togetic frowned. **

          Ash tried to protest. **"Misty, come on, it won't be for long!"**

          **"Nine months."**

**            "You're complaining about that? We spent seven years travelling together!"**

**            "That didn't mean we shared a bed, Ash!"**

          Ash looked puzzled. **"Huh? What are you talking about, you'll get your own room!" he said, scratching his head as she tried to push him towards the window. Misty sighed.**

          **"Ash, how many bedrooms are there in your house?" she asked slowly.**

          He frowned deeper. **"Two, why?"**

          **"One bedroom is yours, right?"**

          **"Yeah…?"**

**            "And you have one spare room, right?"**

**            "Uh-huh…"**

          **"So where will the baby sleep?"**

**            "In the spare room."**

**            "And where will _I_ sleep?"**

**            "In my room."**

**            "And where will _you_ sleep?"**

**            "In…" Ash paused. ****"Ohhh… Now I get it." Then he shrugged. ****"So?"**

          Misty scowled dangerously, and, one hand around her stomach, forcibly pushed him towards the window, causing Togetic to run scared to the other side of the room and hide behind the wardrobe. **"Out," she ordered, jabbing him in the chest with her finger. ****"Brock will marry a Joy, Gary will admit _publicly_ he's gay, and Hell will freeze over before I sleep in the same bed as you."**

**            "Can I get that in writing?" he asked eagerly, trying to walk so that she ended up retracing her steps away from the window before she could shove him out of it. She nodded, suddenly somewhat shaky, and urged him out of the window. ****"…are you okay?" he asked, concerned, taking a step forward, and promptly being shoved out of the way and into the dresser as Misty made a run to the window, stuck her head out and-**

          **"Omigod, like, _eeeeeeew_! That's so totally _gross_!" Misty gave Daisy's prized window box a new colour scheme. Ash winced his brown eyes sympathetically, and rubbed her back gently. **

          **"You okay now?" he asked when she finally pulled her head back inside and wiped her mouth on her sleeve. She pulled a face at the taste in her mouth and his question, and Ash cast his eyes about the room for something useful. He handed her the box of chocolates that was still sitting on the bed, and winced again when she darted back to the window and heard Violet shrieking about how if she wanted stained glass, she would pay for it. ****"Are you okay?! If you're sick, then maybe we should get you to a doctor-" she cut him off by raising a pale hand.**

          **"Morning sickness. It's normal." she told him, her voice still having traces of her nausea and her face was a lot more pallid than usual.**

          **"Morning sickness?!" Ash showed her his watch. ****"Misty, it's eleven o'clock at night!" he exclaimed, eyes wide in disbelief. **

          **"Whatever." she said tiredly, rubbing her eyes and yawning the way he teased her about being kawaii. ****"Out. I need to sleep-"**

**            "And now you're sleeping for two." he teased, unable to resist the opening. **

Her brow furrowed at the alien phrase, then she smiled slightly. **"I suppose."**

**"Or three. Or four!" Ash grinned excitedly, ****"Hey, you could have triplets and we could start our own basketball team!" He whooped and punched the air. ****"This is going to be _cool_!"**

**            "Yeah," she agreed, matching his grin with her own. ****"It _will_ be cool… until _I_ have to go through _twelve_ hours of labour getting out _your_ baby who's probably inherited _your huge head_! Now get out!" she yelled, making a sudden about-face and shoving him back towards the window. **

          **"Hey, I do _not_ have a huge head-" he countered, then Ash paused by the window, trainers cracking glass into the carpet underfoot, obviously thinking about something. You could hear the cogs turning in his head if you listened hard enough. ****"Misty… is this one of those mood-swings that pregnant people have?"**

          **"Get _out_! There is no way I am going to move in with you!" she yelled, and skilfully (or it might just have been brute force) sent him flying out of the window and back into the tree with a pink and red mallet.**

          His breath expelled violently when his spine slammed into the hard wood tree-trunk, and, wincing as his back seemed to click _totally_ out of joint, he realized that the twig from before had returned. He shot up, lost his balance, and clattered down until he hit the grass on his… rear. He caught Daisy's angry glare from the kitchen window, and in reply, he pulled down his eyelid and stuck out his tongue. He looked at the window, which was rapidly being repaired by Togetic. **"Misty, I'm not going until we sort this out!" he yelled, glaring at the window as though it were her face. ****"Misty! Come on, I said I was sorry! Just pleeeeeeease talk to meeee!" As he continued to yell pleas up to where he was getting no response, and the window was three-quarters repaired, a crowd began to gather around the Cerulean Gym, mainly wondering why the Pokémon Master was standing outside in the freezing cold yelling at a window at twenty to midnight. And where Ash lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in tactics. ****"Misty, come on, I love you!" he yelled, ****"We can talk this through, can't we? I mean," he looked furtively at the crowd, who looked _very_ interested at the fact that the _single_ Pokémon Master was confessing his love for a Gym Leader, ****"We've been dating six months, are you just going to throw that away?" The crowd gasped. Ash grinned. Daisy, Lily and Violet burst out of the front doors of the Gym and looked stunned.**

          **"You've been dating-" Daisy.**

**            "-our baby sister-" Violet.**

**            "-for SIX MONTHS?!" Aaaaand Lily.**

**            "Why were we not informed?!" all three shrieked, horrified at the prospect of losing so much gossip. Ash cast a glance up to the now fully repaired window where he could see a pair of fluffy slippers being kicked lazily in the air. **

          **"Well…" And Ash paused, trying to think up a logical excuse he could use quickly. ****"Well, y'know, we… er…" Daisy suddenly began to coo.**

          **"Like, omigod, you wanted to keep it a secret, right?" she squealed, and the other two triplets squealed too. The crowd began to mutter about the fact that the Pokémon Master had been carrying on behind the public's back. ****"Like, that is _totally_ romantic!" she cooed.**

          **"Totally!" Lily agreed, and Violet ran into the Gym.**

          Ash looked puzzled, then shivered slightly in the cold. **"Where's she goin'?" he asked, before he found Daisy shoving him towards his car.**

          **"Just get in your car, get the heating on, and open the back door, 'kay?" And she was gone before Ash could even ask why. Of course, he wasn't going to argue – if Daisy was even half of what Misty was like pissed off, then he was pretty much dead. So he did what he was told. He jumped into the front seat, turned the heating on full blast because outside was _freezing_, and opened the lock for the back door, but kept his finger on the auto-lock just in case. He kept his eyes on the doorway to the Cerulean Gym warily, keeping his ears as alert as they could be over the whooshing of the heating fans, and lo and behold, the sound of breaking glass could be heard from the foyer. The crowd parted, and started to disperse. And four Cerulean Gym Leaders walked out, three looking very pleased for themselves, and one… being carried kicking and screaming, not looking pleased at all.**

          **"Like, Misty, will you just calm down? You're _totally_ messing up my hair!"**

**            "Oh, I'm _so_ sorry. Remind me to fix it for your funeral! Now _put me down_!"**

**            Daisy tutted fractiously, ****"Little sister, you should totally be thanking us! I mean, usually Lily would take him for herself, but, y'know, we're being charitable for a change."**

**            "Hey!" Lily protested, ****"That was _one_ time only, and besides, Misty didn't like that Rudy guy anyway."**

          **"Why should I be thanking you?! I TOLD YOU why I'm not speaking to him, and there is no way in hell that I am going home with him!"**

          **"Like, Misty," Violet interjected, ****"that's like, the lamest dumping excuse we've ever heard! Come on, he's the father of your baby, and you two _totally_ make a cute couple!" In the confines of his car, Ash pulled a face. ****"You can't seriously expect us to believe that a guy as nice as Ash is got you pregnant for a pay-off." Ash winced. He could hear Misty's growl from across the car park. Daisy, Lily and Violet quickened their pace until they reached Ash's car. Daisy opened the door; Lily and Violet chucked her across the back seat, and slammed the door shut. Ash locked the door. ****"And baby sis', you should _totally_ calm down – you don't want to get veins on your butt like Daisy, and it's not good for the baby."**

          **"I _don't_ have veins on my butt!" Daisy squealed, embarrassed, and clamped her hands to her rear.**

          In the back of the car, Ash could see that Misty's hair was tousled and that her eyes were burning angrily. She glared at him. **"Open the door, Ash." she growled, cracking her knuckles menacingly. Togetic appeared next to her on the seat, curled up and fell asleep.**

          **"Not until we talk."**

          She scowled at him again and watched her sisters flouncing off discussing Daisy's rear and whether they were veins or 'contemporary tattoos'. **"Open the window, then."**

          He shook his head. **"No, because I know you too well, and you'll try to get out."**

          She turned puppy-dog eyes on him, though he could still see her face burning with rage. **"Just a little? I need to tell my sisters something." Ash looked apprehensive.**

          She increased her kawaii-eyes attack.

          He gave in, as per usual. He opened the window slightly, enough so that she could yell but not enough that she could get out. **"Daisy! Violet! Lily!" she screamed; her sisters turned away from their squabble near the entrance and looked over to where Misty was yelling from Ash's car. ****"You're all thirty and single and you'll never get another date because you've got bigger asses than the entire Japanese Sumo team!" She heard Violet's enraged shriek with a satisfied smirk on her face. Ash closed the window, and then got a smack to the head. ****"So talk."**

          He grinned at her in the rear-view mirror, noting the bunny-co-ordinated pyjamas she was wearing. **"Not here." he said, grinning at the fact that he'd beaten her and the look on her face. ****"Now put your seatbelt on like a good girl!" he cooed, missing her slipper being hurled at him, and he picked it up and locked it in the glove compartment. He started the car and drove towards the Cerulean-Pallet motorway.**

**~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~**

[A/N] …bloody hell! I only wanted that to be 5000 at the most, now it's over 5,900! XD 

          Anyway… it's up, and because the site was down, it couldn't be up for my two-year-old thingy here. I'm two! *squeal* Yayayayay! And I finished my exams on that day too! Ah, how I shall always celebrate the 18th of June… Whoop! All reviews welcome, nice and nasty, and *definitely* C+C.

          Yay! 

          Um, does anyone want me to do a little alert thingy for when I update this? If you do, review and leave your e-mail address! (I want Support things!)

          The ickle review box is your *friend*! Give him reviews!

          ~ Kaz

          xxx


	8. Something showing on the radar

I've a feeling these parts might start getting shorter… and probably odder because it's taken me so long to make this part decent and I've had so many people e-mailing me, AIMing me, camping outside my house with baying hounds and large rusty spikes and I'm so very very sorry for the length of time in between this part and 7 – chalk it all up to the fact my muse died after I wrote my pee-fic and left me with some bitter, twisted angst-ridden little squirrel intent on hurting my favourite anime characters. 

*huggles Kenji protectively*

Seriously. You should see the stuff I _didn't_ upload. ^^;

But I have a new muse, in the form of a purple hat.

Hoorah!

But yeah, I'm so unbelievably sorry that this has taken so long – I really didn't mean for that to happen at all, I just wrote bits when I could (I've got half of _an_ epilogue written, a few parts from later in the fic) and when I uploaded Make Me Over I looked at the last time I uploaded this fic, it's now getting on eleven months, and I feel really ashamed because I'm already horrendously overdue with other fics and…

Yeah. I feel like crap. So be nice and call off the hounds, and read this part. I hope so much that the next part doesn't take so long to write, and I can only apologise again to everyone who likes this fic, _profusely_, and hope that you haven't been put off reading by my just plain horrible procrastination.

~Kaz

Theme song: "It's Gonna Rain" – Rurouni Kenshin

Major fluff coming up in this chapter. Blame that for my block. I suck at writing it. ^_^

PS: I suck at mush. Seriously. Be very prepared.

PPS – light songfic-ness to the theme song – but if you know the song, you'll see why. ^^

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Rock-a-bye-Baby… ^_^ 

**~~**::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****

**:: 8 ::**

          Still chuckling over a month later, Lance scanned Ash's paperwork, before quirking his eyebrow at an un-cleared expense. **"Ash? Since when do you spend over eight thousand yen a week on Pokémon food? The League only permits six Pokémon on _any _trainer, and you should set an example. You already broke that rule in Johto – don't think we didn't notice Pikachu not battling against Gary. And even a Snorlax should only take up two." Ash cringed as Lance continued his tirade on how Ash seemed to think the League had an orchard of money trees in the middle of the Johto National Park, and thought back to just _how_ much food a Gyarados ate. And seeing as Misty was currently resident (though not entirely of her own will, but keep that quiet, thanks), and so were her Pokémon, certain conditions had to be met.**

          **"Um, well, y'see… I… er…" Of course, if Ash actually _said_ that Misty was staying, Lance would either flip or make her stick it on the Cerulean accounts, and, like, Lily _totally_ needs Versace this season! ****"I'm planning on breeding Pikachu?"**

Lance's eyes lit up. **"You _are_? Ah, so you're buying special foods, I see – have you spoken to Brock, he's pretty good at supplying males, and rather good ones, too. For example, when I wanted Dragonite to breed, I looked _everywhere_, and nowhere had them, then your friend Brock came along with a _huge_ Dragonite…" And cue a large rambling session of just _how_ huge said Dragonite was. While Lance was drawing a sketch on the whiteboard in his office of how best to impregnate large Dragon-type Pokémon with a penchant for smacking things upside the head with their tails, Ash snuck out of the office, and into the corridor.**

          Where he was shocked. **"_[Oi! You better not be trying to knock me up, Pikapi! I have no intention of finding anything male – ever!]_" huffed Pikachu, tail straight up in the air, scowl etched in her face and whiskers at rigid angles, paws clenched as though she'd launch straight into another shock. **

          **"No. Hey, I have to have some excuses!" Ash protested, raising his hands in a futile defence against ten thousand volts of electricity. ****"I get my Pokémon taken care of charge-free, right? If Misty is staying with us, that means that her Pokémon have to get taken care of, so I may as well get it through the League than spend three hours dragging Gyarados kibble through the front door."**

          Pikachu looked up from ankle-height. **"_[So I don't have to find a mate?]_"**

**            "Nope."**

**            "_[Oh. Okay.]_"**

**            "Still… if I really needed you to… I hear Sparky's still pretty active- hey, that hurt!"**

**            "_[Good. Guess where I'll aim next.]_" **she remarked sullenly, scrambling up his pant leg and clinging to his shoulder, grinning to herself when Ash was strangely silent all the way home. 

**~~**::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****

When Ash got home, after recalling Chikorita (guarding the gate), Bulbasaur (the plant pot next to the front door), Noctowl (hiding in the porch) and Totodile (guarding the hallway), and praying to whatever deity was currently protector of Those Who Knock Up Their Best Friends on Purpose that Misty's mallet was far, far away, crept into the hallway, and into the kitchen…

          …where a large pickled… green thing hit him square in the forehead. **"Nice aim,"** he muttered sourly, wiping vinegar-y stuff off his face onto his sleeve and tossing said alien thing into the bin.

          **"I've been practising. See?" she replied brightly, and indicated to a large green patch on the back of the door. Ash cringed. ****"Oh, and by the way, seeing as I've been here two weeks, you think you could take me off house arrest yet? _Some_ people have clinics to attend."**

**            "And you're only going if either myself or Totodile can go with you, like I said ten times yesterday." **She glared at him. **"Oh, and mom's got a baby catalogue – says that seeing as you're nearly three months, we best start on the spare room."**

**            "_My_ room, and I still say you should get a bigger house."**

**            "Sure, if you want to be up a ladder when you're ready to drop."**

**            "Who said I'd be up a ladder?"**

**            "Who said you _wouldn't_?"**

**            "Oh, sorry, does the fact that I'm carrying your baby mean absolutely nothing to you?"**

**            "…are you _still_ using that?"**

**            "I'll be using it until her birthday, after she's born, and until the day I die."**

Ash sighed and gave a dry nod. **"As long as we're clear on that." He blinked. ****"And we're having a boy!"**

**            "Oh yeah? Says who?"** she challenged, amused, gripping a gherkin between her fingers and biting it deliberately. Ash was unfazed.

          **"Says Ketchum genetics that make every first born a guy. What's your excuse?"**

**            "Three sisters, five aunts, eight great aunts, ten female cousins, fifteen female second cousins and my mother."** She stuck her tongue out at him. **"So I win. It's a girl."**

**            "Doesn't the midwife say that?"**

Misty rolled her eyes and punctuated the conversation by biting into a gherkin, making Ash wince unconsciously and rub the pinkish welt on his upper arm. **"Just so you know, genius,"** she drawled, after a brief pause during which she ate two gherkins and smacked his hand away from the pickle jar on his way to the fridge to get a cola, and swung her legs lazily into the air and back into the cupboard door with a metronomic thump, **"you're not going to Indigo tomorrow."**

          Ash shrugged, **"I don't normally go in on a Friday anyway. But why not?" he asked, before a small piece of cardboard came winging across the room and narrowly missed his eye. Catching it easily, years of reflexes honed to avoid the black eyes that took weeks to shift when he was still a rookie, he flicked it open. ****"Clinic?"**

          **"Ultrasound." Ash's eyes lit up, and he grinned.**

          **"Really?!" He dodged the gherkin, which went sliding out of the kitchen into the hallway, and bounced on the spot, **"This is so cool! Do we get to see it?" **Misty shrugged uncertainly.**

          **"I don't know… it's still early, so…" But Ash was past caring, already attacking the phone to call _everyone_ as soon as possible and mixing everyone's numbers up. She hid the tiny, fond smile she suddenly found herself wearing with a gherkin. Only Ash could find hospitals exciting… **

**~~**::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****

          Conspiratorially, Brock, Tracey, a curious Azurill who was attached to Tracey's headband [in the non-Biblical sense, thank you very much] and a large magnifying glass that Brock said was the best the Spy shop in Pewter city [so secret, it took him over four hours to find it] had in stock [and of which, Tracey's response was to hold up said magnifying glass up to Brock's face, declare the area above his nose to be a barren wasteland and whip out his special edition pocket-sized Watcher-version].

          Oddly, Ash's office [a few floors down from the top of one of Kanto's tallest buildings, the elevator of which happened to be glass and look out over the whole of Indigo Plateau, on clear days giving a sight of Viridian in the distance, which also managed to give Tracey a case of vertigo and Brock spending him ten minutes once they were out of said elevator trying to coax him into standing] was unlocked, which meant that a height-sick Scyther thankfully returned to his Pokéball as Tracey and Brock – a regular face in the building, casually strolled in.

          To chaos.

          Ash was never _organized_, but unless a paper-happy Pidgey had made a nest in the past two days… Brock itched for his rubber gloves and a bottle of table wax, weeping when he saw the completely unorganised bunch of pens randomly shoved into a coffee mug. Tracey, however, headed straight for the filing cabinet next to Ash's desk, rooted through the top drawer, yanking out a paper file, stuffing it under his top, and calmly walking back over to the door.

          **"…That's _it_?! _That_'s what we came here for – a file of paper?"**

Tracey gave him a sardonic look. **"You were expecting maybe the crown jewels?"**

**            "Well, no, but… aren't those private, anyway?"** Jogging to keep up with Tracey's brisk pace to the lift again, and lagging behind, Brock missed the speculative gleam in Tracey's eyes as he hit the call button.

          **"That all depends on your meaning of the word" he replied, stepping into the lift and feeling his stomach lurch on the long drop down.  **

**~~**::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****::****~~****

          To cover the fact that aside from the gherkins, Misty had inflicted virtually no revenge-type pain/hatred on Ash that day apart from an honestly accidental swinging-of-door-into-face, so, sitting in the ante-natal clinic of Viridian General, Ash tried to ignore the slow ache of the polka-dot chain of bruises on his shins and waited patiently in the stupidly hard plastic chairs, trying not to go insane from the monotony of nurses and doctors walking past, three screaming babies and their harassed fathers (he silently hoped to Lugia that whatever his kid turned out like, he wouldn't be anything like those), Misty reading one of those glossy magazines that had stories about how all men were utter bastards, power to the women, and how female empowerment would result in men being reduced to walking sperm-banks within the next generation, so go get 'em, girl!-type stuff, and kept trying to make him read articles in a three-year-old issue of Cosmo that was about how Gary Oak was the most eligible bachelor in Kanto, complete with glossy pictures of him, shirt open, lying in front of a log-fire clutching a glass of red wine in a "sensual" pose while Arcanine curled loyally at his feet (and was still taller than him).

          Urgh. 

          He hated hospitals. Not because of the fact that they slice you to pieces, sew you up and kicked you out, not because of the fact he'd spent most of his childhood being bandaged up by one doctor or another (most of the nurses at Pallet General knew him on sight), but because they thought it was fun to keep you waiting for hours on seats with pre-made backside grooves that did nothing except cause pain in the wedgie form, with "Asereje" playing on loop… ad infinitum.

          **"Parents of baby Ketchum?" a nurse popped her head out of a small office, and Ash felt a smirk curve on his lips when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Misty's face darken. That was one of _his_ victories, albeit a sly one, when Misty had heard the lady in the hospital teashop talking about carrot-cake and raced for the bathroom, he'd sprinted to Reception and back. He also felt his ego respond to preening when a few heads turned at the mention of his surname, until Misty, now standing in front of him, glaring, aimed a sharp kick to his shin. **

          **"Um, yeah?" he answered smartly, then, as an afterthought, stood up, almost butted Misty in the chin to which he cringed internally and waited for a blow that strangely didn't come, and looked to where the nurse was smiling benignly at the harassed parents and pregnant spouses alike in the waiting room, ****"Um, that's us."**

          Tinkling, the nurse scored a line across the clipboard she was carrying and nodded. **"I know – this way."**

A boring interview followed, during which Ash felt his neck flopping, his eyes closing slowly, sleepiness washing over him, until Misty jabbed him in the side with her elbow, waking him up to where the nurse was demonstrating how the weird little wand-thing worked blah blah blah more female anatomy stuff that he had no desire _ever_ to know and he simply covered up his burning red ears and sunk down in his seat. Until Misty grabbed his hair and yanked him up yelping. **"What was that for?!" **he yelled, as the nurse slowly backed away. Misty grabbed his collar and dragged him up close. 

          **"Listen, jackass," she growled, and for a fleeting moment, Ash was reminded of how Charizard used to be when in a particularly violent mood, ****"you wanted this baby, you're _getting_ this baby because you're the biggest,** lyingest piece of scum on this planet, now sit down, shut up and listen to the _goddamn nurse_." **She let go and literally threw him back into his seat.**

          Trying to salvage what was left of his male pride, Ash folded his hands in his lap and sulked while the nurse blinked curiously, gave a saccharine smile and played with a load of buttons, before frowning as the machine gave a loud _beep_… and completely switched off. **"Well… now, that's not supposed to happen…" she said, confused, clicking a few more buttons and watching as it reared into life again, before finally giving up the ghost and dying. ****"Um… could you excuse me for a second?" she asked and Ash nodded, suddenly noticing how pale Misty had gotten in a matter of seconds. The nurse skipped out of the room and, standing, he cricked his neck and waved his hand almost childishly in front of Misty's face.**

Ashidori mo karukushite… ciao, ciao 

_Torumono mo toriaezu ciao, ciao_

          **"Um… are you alright, Misty?" he asked nervously; whenever she got really pale, she was either about to be sick or about to cry, and with the amount of gherkins she had eaten in the car ride up here, whatever she brought up was likely to bleach his shoes a charming shade of green. A feeble nod of the head wasn't enough to convince him, and he perched cautiously on the side of the hospital bed/stretcher/thing she was sitting on, top pulled over her waist, invisible bump showing, ready so that he could bolt for the nearest plant pot and/or bedpan. **

          But she didn't look remotely vomit-y – a feature he suddenly realised he could pick up on her face and could recognise after weeks of rubbing her back huddled in his bathroom. And she didn't look violent…yet. **"Come on, what's the matter?" **he asked, trying to sound soothing while scanning the room for possible flying-baby-scanner shields **"You can tell me… we're friends, right?" **

When she didn't answer, he felt as if Brock had smacked him in the stomach, the wind rushing out of him in a long, hushed 'oh'. His hand gripped his other arm reflexively and he felt his fingernails biting into his skin, keeping his dark, hurt eyes on a loop of denim that was wearing its way through the knee of his jeans and trying to ignore the sudden leaden weight that settled in his stomach. She was still angry… He politely ignored the little voice in his ear saying that it was exactly what he deserved… in fact, he tried to ignore everything in the room until the nurse came back.

At least, he _tried_ to do that. 

Until, in his eye-flicking, unnerved by her silence, he caught her staring blankly out of the window, with tears in her eyes, and slowly creeping down her cheeks. He felt his stomach bottom out, plummeting to his feet, making his head feel light and a lump stick in his throat. Was this _his_ fault? He hadn't said anything to her!

…but maybe that was the reason she was crying?

_Lion ga unaru mitai no raimei ga_

_Taisan wo unagashite iru_

_Ask her, stupid_, he admonished himself, but when he turned to her, with tears sticking to her cheeks like an oil paint, for some bizarre reason, his words stuck in his throat, his jaw caught half-way between closed and looking like one of the Emperor's prized koi. **"Uh…"** he said, with about as much intelligence as a Psyduck on Pokénip, then realised that the smart thing to do was to actually think of something to say before saying something.

_Okay_, he told himself, _she's a girl, and she's crying. What would Brock do in this situation?_ He then proceeded to pinch his leg as punishment when the answer came up in his head and made him blush like a crushing schoolgirl. _Alright, alright, so Brock's a letch. What would Tracey do?_

Rule number 1: be sensitive.

Rule number 2: no reaching for the skirt.

Rule number 3: listen.

Rule number 4: try to draw them when they aren't looking.

The heck with number four.

Now what to ask? "What are you crying for?" seemed too harsh, especially as him asking ever-so-politely [well, as polite as Ash got at eight am] for her to put the toilet seat up when she'd finished earned him making her cry and an hour-long phone-call to Violet, who in turn demanded to speak to Ash and yelled his ear off at a hundred words per minute about what a horrible boyfriend he _totally_ was.

And him being too nice [ie, "What's the matter?" said in a sensitive soothing tone, ie, doing exactly what Tracey would do] would get him a clout around the ear and told that she didn't want any pity.

So, a happy medium needed to be found before she ended up swimming. **"Um… are you okay, Misty?" he asked almost-quietly, before trying to kick himself and catching his ankle on the hard metal of the hospital bed. But she didn't give a smart-ass reply, or roll her eyes. Instead, she looked at him doe-eyed and tearful, before covering her face with her hands and crying.**

Proper, _girly_ crying.

**"Oh-uh, Misty… whaaaa, don't cry, please!" Cue one male spaz-out, as Ash tried to do three things at once, reach for the tissues, try to hug her and realise that the last time he'd tried to hug her he couldn't walk for three days.**

A compromise had to be made, and fast. Reaching out with Neo-like speed, Ash grabbed a fistful of tissues, and then, very, _very_ awkwardly, rested his hand on her shoulder, depositing the soft paper pieces onto her exposed stomach, feeling the chill that ran through her at the ticklish sensation. **"What's the matter?" he asked, realising that the question 'what's the matter?' would be, had been and will always be the most _useless_ phrase in _any_ language.**

Douka shita no? Kuso.

¿Qué es la problema? Caca.

What's the matter? Just… useless. 

And first of all she shook her head to try to get him to bugger off, but for once, threats with a cactus were unheeded, and Ash, keeping keen eyes trained on her, very, very daringly, slipped his arm around her shoulders, seemingly shaking from unconstrained… something, _tears_, he registered a moment later, when he watched them drip from her chin onto her rolled-up shirt and felt something pinch inside. 

_Dou naru no?_

_Sou...mou sugu ame___

When they were kids, he, so long as he hadn't been the cause, had always held her when she cried. When she fell down a pothole and twisted her ankle so badly the group were stuck on some godforsaken Orange Island, he was the one who hugged her when she got frustrated at her immobility, or when the pain hurt so much Tracey's strongest painkillers weren't enough to knock it out. The day she lost in the Whirl Cup, though she was proud of herself, and he was too, but she still wanted to cry and he still let her. 

The day he, Brock, May and her little brother just happened to drop in to Cerulean Gym so that May could challenge for her Cascade badge, too, though, as he recalled, that was the one time he couldn't understand _why_ she was crying – whether she was happy to see them – _him_ – or whether she was angry or sad or jealous – but he couldn't understand her being jealous if she was… the day he hit the top, both her and his mother collapsed into floods of tears, which just plain confused the heck out of him.

Then there was the day she left, the first time, the way the sun collapsed in on his world and in on the sky when not just her, but _both_ his closest friends upped and left towards their homes in distant cities, leaving him alone for the first time since… the day he started out.

And one of the only times _he_ ever cried, he was on his own. But that didn't matter – because the other few times, she'd been there, just like he had been.

But when she cried and it was his fault entirely, it was Brock or Tracey or even Pikachu or Togepi while said male/Pokémon would glare at him as if to scare him into apologising, while he flopped "nonchalantly" around camp, not caring but really worried out of his mind about whether or not they just had their last fight.

And neither Brock nor Tracey, nor Pikachu nor Togetic [Pokémon not being allowed in hospitals except under petting schemes] were here, and this was _entirely_ his fault. Even though she was the one to agree to it in the first place and-- this was _not_ the time for making up ass-saving excuses, ahou.

_Dai kirai ame nanka, ciao, ciao_

_Mou sukoshi itai noni, ciao, ciao_

And he still had no idea as to why she was crying, but for a few minutes, they were kids again, when he used to pull her into a hug, crooning reassurances into her hair, regardless of the problem or place, and when the doctor came in, gave the machine a royal kick up the backside, and the nurse clapped her hands as it whirred into life, he and she didn't notice, and when the nurse had to clear her throat to proceed, and Ash saw the anxious glimmer flicker in Misty's blue eyes, he realised that he knew _exactly_ why she was so upset.

Because the minute the image flashed up onto the tiny little screen and the minute the sounds would echo around the room, and the minute that he saw the motions flicker across screen, it would be _real_, there would be no going back whatsoever – no pretending that this was all just an elaborate hoax, a joke, a dream, pretend. And Misty had realised before him about how after this, everything would change and as he grasped the thread of thought himself, he felt his own fearful hollow widen in the pit of his stomach; he was _scared_ – once he saw the image, heard the sounds, the whole thing would be confirmed, the whole thing would be real, genuine, actually happening to _him_, not some TV soap opera blond surfer with less personality than cardboard.

But when Misty, eyes fixated on the grey and black pixelled screen unconsciously reached for his hand and wrapped her fingers around his, when the nurse, keeping a weird gelled wand thing pressed against Misty's abdomen, pointed out something on the screen that looked not unlike a squashed midget Luvdisc that seemed to move as he looked and watched, jaw slack, when a fast-paced pulse filled the room and overwhelmed his hearing, when he watched Misty, sitting up awkwardly with the wand still pressed against her stomach, trace the outline of her baby – their _baby_ – _his_ baby – with her finger, heard the nurse over the pulses that next time they could know if 'it' was a boy or a girl, that it seemed to be healthy and everything was in the right place, and when he watched his – _their_ baby moving on the screen as if to suck his or her thumb through glassy eyes, it hit him that if this was a dream, he didn't want to wake up; if this was a joke, he hoped the jokers kept on playing, because the tiny little life on the screen, through the window, was all of a sudden the most important person in the world to Ash, perfect, and even though it was nearly five more months before he got to meet that person, they were the most precious life on the planet – _kishoukachi._

And all of a sudden, Ash's regrets turned into the polar opposite.

-kietsu-

_Kaikan ga kaisan ni kawaru shunkan wo_

_Lion ga isogaseta no wa_

_Meihaku - no! Meiwaku!_

_It's gonna rain!_

**~~::~~::~~::~~::~~**

[A/N] – Wow! It's been almost a year [and it's almost killed me], but part eight you now have. I won't bore you with the many details of the difficulties I had this – I explained a lot at the top, and again, I can only apologize to everyone for the horribly long wait, hope that you're all still reading and interested in this fic, thank you all so much for the support you gave me [it was really nice to open my inbox and find out people were still waiting and interested, I can't thank you all enough], and hope that this part, while it _is_ short, was worth waiting for. The summer holidays are coming up now, so I can only pray that my muse stays with me and I can get part 9 done ASAP!

Again, thank you for reading this, even if you just wanted to get to the review box to yell at me – I'm so very sorry for it taking so long – I hope that over the summer, I can make it up to you.

~Kaz – 30th May, 2003  - 00.56 am BST.

PS – Rurouni Kenshin owns. Ororororo! ^_^


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